Tiffany, I want you to be alive so much that it is a crippling physical pain, a shot to the heart. And even after 3 years, I still cannot make peace with myself about it.
The other day I lay on your grave and begged God to take me. I felt as if life was nothing but a travesty, filled with hopelessness and helplessness. I wanted so much to be with you and Jordan and my mother...I am not afraid to die. I just don't want to actively seek it...I would prefer that it happen passively. I wonder what purpose I serve here on this earth; what is my reason for existing in this half-life.
So I lay there in the darkest despair, waiting for some sign that my wish would be granted. I waited for an indication that my deepest desire had been heard...something. But there was only silence to be found. Finally, I understood that no prayers would be answered this day so I stood up and started walking, trying to find some peace. I walked the perimeter of the cemetery before arriving back at the family headstone.
With sadness weighing heavily on my shoulders, no peace or solace to be had, I drove back home. The next day, I decided to go to the nearby nursery to buy some plants for your lovely Serenity Garden. I made my purchases and drove back home. I emptied the car and carried my "fairy" plants (small plants for a terrarium) onto the porch. I showed them off to Paul, at the same time lamenting that I had forgotten to buy some coleus plants to plant near the flowering dogwood. I set the cardboard box of plants on the porch and carried the begonias I had bought over to the evergreen tree. I came back and sat down when I noticed something odd. There were two coleus plants in the cardboard box!
Now this was impossible. I had carried the cardboard box of plants out of the store myself and there were no coleus plants in that box. I had set the box down but for a minute on the cart with my other purchases to load up the car but I had never picked out or chosen or set any of these plants into the box or car. In fact, I hadn't given them any thought until I got home. Yet there they sat in the box. Where did these plants come from? Because I surely hadn't selected them.
Well, Paul swears that they are a sign from my lost loved ones. A sign that I am meant to stay in this world for some purpose as yet unknown. It certainly is strange that these two plants that I hadn't picked out should appear just moments after I remembered them.
There's a very special garden
Where the trees of memory grow
Nurtured by the kindness
And concern that good friends show.
The roots are cherished memories
Of good times in the past
The branches tender promises
That souls endure and last.
It's a place of peace and beauty
Where bright new hopes can start
It's memory's lovely garden
That soothes the hurting heart.
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