Grief and Loneliness are My Constant Companions

At the dawn of each new year, I am optimistic that this year will be better than the last.  For how can this year be worse than the last.  Yet each year seems to be no better than the one before.  Of course, no year can be worse than 2011 but each successive year has not been much better.  I approached 2014 with high hopes that it would be finally be a good year after past 3 years which had been quite awful.  But it was really not to be.

I think it started with the snowstorm on my birthday.  That in itself was not all that bad but it seemed to be a indicator of what was to come.  That all started the following Monday with a routine mammogram.  What usually took 15 minutes turned into a 2-hour ordeal.  I had 2 mammograms followed by an ultrasound.  As I sat there on the table having the ultrasound, all I could think about was Tiffany.  I'm not sure why I thought of her but tears silently filled my eyes while grief filled my heart.  I really have no explanation as to why I should have been overwhelmed with thoughts of her at that moment since for all I knew, it was just a routine ultrasound.

Later that day, as I stood in the bank making a deposit, the call came from my doctor's office.  They had found something and I needed to make an appointment with a surgeon.  I was taken completely by surprise as I was expecting to hear that everything was fine.  At first I was upset but then the thoughts started to sneak into my mind that it wasn't all that bad for here might be my opportunity to be with Tiffany if things didn't work out.  My fear started to subside and it all seemed inevitable.  Strange how one's mind works...

What followed has been very stressful and confusing.  I went to see the surgeon who ordered a bi-lateral core needle biopsy.  I ended up only having to have one as the cyst on the left only needed to be aspirated and was benign.  The one on the right showed signs of abnormality so more tests followed.  First an MRI, then a lumpectomy.  All this took place from Feb 10 through Mar 18.  It was a whirlwind and a rollercoaster and I would have much preferred not to have been on for the ride.  By the end of March, there were still signs of abnormality so it was on to genetic testing and risk assessment.  Finally, things settled down somewhat.  I saw the oncologist and was put on exemestane which I'll have to take for the next 5 years or so but the genetic testing all came out negative.  That's very good news but this has all been a drain financially as my medical plan does not have good coverage and I'm left with substantial bills.

In addition to the toll financially, this has definitely taken a toll on me mentally.  I feel very isolated and don't feel that I am handling all this very well on top of losing Tiffany.  I know that people can't read my mind but the sense of isolation from family and friends is quite intense.  This makes for a very lonely existence and I'm quite tired of being "strong".  I'm wondering where family and friends are when you need them.  Makes a good case for being alone...or becoming a hermit.