Who Tiffany Was: Part 4 - Daughter

When I started this blog, I thought it was going to be easy to write down my thoughts about Tiffany, her life and the difficult journey to try to recover from this grievous loss.  However, I am finding that the reality is really something quite different.  It's hard and I'm not sure if it's doing any good.  Am I helping myself?  Is this of benefit to anyone reading it?  It feels like I'm writing in a vacuum.  I'm not sure what I expected but I guess I thought I would see some interaction from people reading it although that's certainly not the purpose.  Ah well, I'll try to continue as best I can...

It is now June, 2014.  It is approaching the three-year mark since Tiffany took her life.  Not one day goes by that I don't think of her or cry because she's not here anymore.  Every thought, every picture, every memory leaves me breathless.  I think I've run out of words to describe what it means to lose a child.  I guess there are not enough words in the English language to adequately capture all that it means.

As I look at what I read at her funeral, I see that I have repeated many stories over the past three years.  I guess some of those stories were highlights of the times we spent together but just a fraction of all that comprises my memories of Tiffany.

Tiffany was a rainbow baby, born after the death of her brother, Jordan Alexander.  The pregnancy with her was not any easier than that of Jordan who was lost when my water broke.  It seems that my body was not made for child-bearing as I almost lost her to placenta abruptio.  But she made it through and survived.  For that I am forever grateful because if Jordan had survived, I may not have had Tiffany -- the girl I longed for.  After she was born, she stayed in the hospital for 9 days before I could take her home and for several weeks, the only clothes that would fit her were doll clothes, specifically Cabbage Doll clothes.

At first, she was a quiet baby until she reached the point in time when she had been due to be born.  I remember it was Mother's Day, 1987, (her due date was the same as Jordan's birth date, April 30) and it was like she suddenly woke up and really made herself known.  I guess I had gotten too complacent and thought it was going to be a piece of cake.  That's not to say she was difficult or suffered from colic or anything like that.  It was just that she came into her own. 

Life was interesting with two children.  I returned to work and the children went to day care.  I had spent the time at home making Tiffany's christening dress and we had her baptized.  Summer was approaching and we started to go to camp on the weekends.  We had fun on the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.  All the things that normal families do, I suppose.

When Tiffany was two and Troy was five, I moved to North Haven, CT to take a management position.  Troy started Kindergarten and the children went to a babysitter, rather than day care.  That was a new experience for them and they made friends with the babysitter's children.  We would often come back to New York as their father had remained here, although he traveled frequently.  But I don't think any of us really warmed to CT so after about a year and a half, I took a leave of absence and returned to Schenectady.  It was shortly after our return that Tiffany decided to cut her hair for the second time but only this time, she really chopped some pieces off short.  I ended up having to have her hair cut in a pixie cut but oh, she looked so cute!  She, however, young as she was, hated her hair that way and never, ever had it that short again.

When she turned five, I enrolled her in ballet, tap and jazz.  Her first teacher, Theresa, was wonderful and Tiffany loved her.  In fact, as much as she could, she followed Theresa wherever she taught so Tiffany ended up taking dance from a few different studios -- Ferrara's, Merritt's, Guilderland Ballet and Meyers Dance Studio.  She lost touch with Theresa for a while there in between but went back to Ferrara's when Theresa ended up there.  And that's where Tiffany finished up her dance "career", all the way through her first year of college.  Her grandmother and I went to every single dance recital faithfully every year.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It's funny because she didn't mind me going to her dance recitals but when it came to cheerleading, that was a different story.  I didn't get to see her cheer as much as I would have liked to since she would really balk at me coming to watch her at games.  Probably the only time I really got to see her cheer was early in Pop Warner, a few of her competitions and when she cheered her sophomore year of high school on the Varsity team and Troy was a senior on the football team.  Tiffany really loved cheerleading and that same year joined an All Star team.  But that, combined with school cheerleading, was a bit much, or so she told me, and she quit the school team.  But she was determined to make a comeback and spent the summer doing gymnastics and honing up on her dance skills, which were already advanced.  Unfortunately, her coach at the time was not very forgiving and despite her skills, placed her on the Junior Varsity squad for her junior year, down from Varsity.  That's kind of the way some school sports programs work, despite trying to talk to the school athletic director and writing the coach a letter (which she never acknowledged).  Tiffany was devastated and ending up quitting...for good.  She never did cheer again after that and I don't think she was ever the same, either.

When Tiffany was in elementary school, it seemed to be hard for her.  In 3rd Grade, there was some talk of keeping her back since she was very behind in reading.  That didn't happen but she was put into remedial reading.  I don't think that ever really helped and then around this time, Tiffany started to develop physically.  It was a very difficult time for her; I tried to involve the teacher so that she would understand what Tiffany was going through.  But I think the other children were very mean.  By the time, Tiffany reached the end of 5th Grade, I knew I had to do something about her reading.  So I enrolled her in The Learning Center.  This was what she needed to turn things around and while she was there, she also got the opportunity to really boost her math skills, which were already advanced.  She entered 6th Grade in good position academically but this is around the time that her eating disorder started.  She stopped developing and growing around this time...due to her eating disorder, I'm sure.  The nutrition doctor thought that she would grow to about 5' 8" which was then revised to 5' 4".  But what really happened is that she never even reached 5' 1".  She was just shy of that mark.

I think it was inevitable.  Food was always an issue with Tiffany, from very early on.  It was like she decided one day that she didn't like anything.  There were so many things that she didn't like and trying to get her to eat healthy food was nearly impossible.  She liked only a few things and sweets was one of them.  The number of times that I found Fruit Roll-up wrappers stuffed in the couch are too numerous to count.  This was such a concern but there is nothing you can do to make someone eat, short of forcing it down their throat which I wasn't prepared to do.  For years, I feared the worst might happen...it was always lying there under the surface, always thinking that she was at risk for this disease.  When she wrote a paper on anorexia, we talked about her paper and eating disorders but she lied and put my fears to rest.  But the demon, bulimia, was there lurking and working, just waiting for me to find out a few years later.

But despite her issues, Tiffany forged ahead and she met the challenge of high school head-on.  She did phenomenally well, especially in Math and Science.  In fact, Chemistry was probably her best subject and I tried to encourage her to think about becoming a pharmacist but that just sounded too boring to her (as if accounting was any more exciting).  From a discouraging start in elementary school to a GPA of nearly 3.7 in high school and the same in college with a small 4-year scholarship in a state school (a bit unheard of), she then went on to graduate Magna Cum Laude and obtained her Master's in Tax, tuition-free (as part of the scholarship).

Both my children are/were my pride and joy.  I am so proud of them and what they both accomplished in life.  Troy is the most amazing father and a wonderful son and husband.  But oh, Tiffany could have accomplished much, much more, if only she had somehow found a way to work things through.  But boys and girls are different and Tiffany was like my best friend.  We had a lot in common and she took after me a lot.  Not that Troy doesn't...cause he does!  However, each child has their special bond with their mother.  She was my baby (as Troy will always be my "little man"...sorry, Troy!).  She relied on me in a way that Troy did not and I relied on both of them in certain ways as well.  Tiffany and I shared a love of reading, of shopping, of dance and many other things.  Her leaving has left a huge void in my life that I'm trying to fill but it is proving to be the greatest challenge of my existence.

Today, I am remembering those 10 days that I spent with Tiffany at her apartment in Stamford, CT from June 2 to June 12, 2011.  They were so different from those days that I spent with her after she got out of the hospital in October 2010.  This time, she wanted me there and during those irreplaceable 10 days, I felt closer to her than I ever did before.  I am forever sorry that I didn't stay when I returned from North Carolina as I wanted to but I am forever grateful for those precious moments out of time...

My darling, my beloved Tiffany,

My heart is breaking and I don’t know how I am going to pick up the pieces.  I feel this is a bad dream from which I only have to awake.

You and your brother are the light of my life but you occupied a special place in all of our hearts.  Like most parents, I can remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday and the indescribable love that I felt for you from the moment I held you in my arms.  Your determination showed even then and you couldn’t even wait the full term to be born.  You were so small that we had to dress you in Cabbage Patch doll clothes.  But you proved you were strong and soon you were doing all the things a normal baby does.

Sometimes I feel that we were never really separated when you were born.  There was always some invisible string that held us together.  Now the string is broken, irreparable, some part always to be missing.

It was an utter joy to watch you grow up.  I remember the day I bought the 50^th anniversary edition of the “Wizard of Oz” and from that moment on, you kept watching it over and over and over until you finally wore the VHS tape out and I had to buy you a new one.  I remember the first day you went to dance class and how your Grandmother and I went to every single dance recital all the way through to your Graduation dance in your sequined gown on the stage of Proctor’s to watch how beautifully you danced.  I’ll never forget how desperately you wanted to join the Pop Warner Cheerleaders when you were 8, which I suspect was because your brother was in Pop Warner, too.  And I was so proud when you went on to cheerlead in high school on the Junior Varsity and Varsity squads.

And how can I forget all the trips we took: Hawaii, Disneyland, Dollywood, Disney World and the Great Escape (every year); how much you loved to go to camp in Sacandaga and the overnight Girl Scout camps, even though I thought for sure you would be calling me to come get you; how you were determined to graduate early from high school and start college early and how I drove every weekend to Marist College to pick you up and bring you back because it was all just a little too much for you.

And I would gladly do it all again 10 times over if it meant you would still be here.  You were such a joy (even if your “evil” twin, as you called her, did make an appearance occasionally).  Your beauty, your soul, your mind, your heart just shone through – you were one-of-a-kind, a special angel.  I don’t think you ever realized just how special you were, how many lives you touched, how good you were, how much you helped, not only me, but so many other people.  Even animals, especially cats, like that special Duke you found on your wheel well and I thought you would never leave behind.

Now, we all have to go on but the hurt is nearly unbearable.  I can’t express how much I will miss you.  I am going to miss our shopping trips together, when you always wanted to make my fashion decisions for me; going to see “Wicked” on this past Mother’s Day in NYC; or sitting at home, you watching “Ratatouille” until I thought I would go crazy.  I’ll miss you climbing into bed as a kid because you didn’t like your own and as you grew older, the need to nestle with me never left you.  I’ll miss our trips to the nail salon to have our manicures and pedicures, when you always would be done before me.  I’m going to regret not getting calls from you nearly every day, almost always when I was on a conference call and you asking me what I thought about this or that.  I can remember coming home from Charlotte just last week, you rushing out to greet me, Riley in hand, your hair twisted up with a mischievous smile and your face glowing.  Now I’ll never forget the sound of your voice, the sight of your beautiful face and the feel of your arms around me.  But most of all it’s going to be hard to know that you will never find the happiness you were so desperately seeking or the family of your own that you so often longed for.  To know that I will never see you fulfill your unbelievable potential or walk down the aisle to meet the man of your dreams for that fairy-tale wedding at a remote location or even have children, it is unimaginable. It breaks my heart now to know that you and I will never be reunited together again in one place with your brother and his family.  But I know that somewhere in this world, some physical part of you still lives on and I will have to take some small comfort in that.

It seems so odd to me that life is still going on when, for me, it’s as if life has stopped.  My life as I know it came to a complete end on Saturday when I found you.  When I touched your arm and shoulder and it was cold and stiff.  That’s when I knew you were gone.  And the world should have stopped at that moment because you had left it.

There is so much I want to say to you, Tiffany, but there’s just not enough time to say it all today, not even the “milk” story.  So I just want to close here with some words from the song “Over the Rainbow” from your favorite movie.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

I will love you always, forever and ever.

Mom