Happy 29th Birthday!

Sweet, sweet Tiffany,

Happy 29th Birthday, my darling angel! I am sitting here with tears pouring down my checks and my heart is breaking all over again. I turned on my iPod to listen to music and no sooner had I started listening when the music shuffled to Judy Garland singing "Over the Rainbow".

And all I could remember was living in a little steel house in CT in 1989 with you and Troy and, on a whim, buying the 50th anniversary VHS tape of "The Wizard of Oz". After that, there was no getting you to stop watching that tape in the cute family room of that little steel house.

As those memories swept through me, the next song that came on was Avril Lavigne's "I Miss You". Oh so appropriate. And now, as I write, "Music of the Night" from "Phantom of the Opera" is playing. I just know it is you letting me know you're all right and that you're with me even now.

"Let your soul take you where you long to be"

~~Andrew Lloyd Weber

Yes, you're where you probably always wished to be but I miss you so much that I am breathless. As I come to the end, Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" is playing. I love you, Tiffany, my angel, to heaven and beyond. Thank you for being with me on this special day.

"I miss you so bad,

I don't forget you,

Oh, it's so sad,

I hope you can hear me,

I remember it clearly

the day you slipped away

was the day I found

it won't be the same."

~~ Avril Lavigne

(Now I know you're messing with me...the opening music from "Wicked"?  Our last road trip to NYC)

Another Christmas Without You

My dear sweet Tiffany,
It has been exactly 4 and a half years today since your spirit left this earth. Five Christmases gone by without you here to celebrate with us. It seems like yesterday that we were all together that Christmas of 2010.

I remember so many past holidays with you and your brother when Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were so full of activities that sometime we couldn't fit UT all in. Now all we have are the memories of those long-lost days to sustain us for all the years we have left.

Your passing was a catastrophic event that tore the very fabric of our lives and reverberates in our souls to this very day. Each and every one of us whose lives you passed through on your short journey of live is forever changed in ways you couldn't have imagined.

Those of us who knew you best have been torn asunder, reeling from the pain and sadness, trying to move on with our lives in new and ever-changing ways. We have picked up the pieces but like Humpty Dumpty, we can't be put back together again as we were.

Making new Christmas memories and introducing new traditions had been an up-and-down experience. Maybe someday we'll get it right somehow.

My heart, so full of love for you, misses you so grievously and struggles to carry on. I cherish my grief as I let go of the pain. I understand why you had to go...your light burned so brightly it couldn't be sustained...but I will never accept it. I just can't but I can go on in some capacity, experiencing love and happiness as best I can. It's all I can do...

Words cannot express how much I miss you in every way...from that bright smile that sparkled in your blue eyes and lit up your beautiful face, the softness of your flawless skin and the freckles on your nose.

So in your honor this Christmas season, I have put up your tree...the one that was still standing in your apartment that terrible day. I decorated it with all the ornaments I had saved for you when you got your own place...the ballerinas, the Disney ones I got especially for you, the personalized ones and those for remembrance, and last but not least, the Wizard of Oz ornaments collected so lovingly through the years.

I'll miss you...forever...until we meet again.

Love, Mom 

The Day Life Ended

I have told this story many times over but I have yet to put it to paper.  Perhaps the telling of the story will lay to rest some ghosts.

This part of the story begins on June 20, 2011.  I arrived back in CT at Tiffany's apartment from Charlotte where I had gone for Hunter's first birthday.  I had been with her for 10 days and left from JFK to fly to Charlotte.  I remember arriving in Stamford, calling to let her know I was there so she could let me in.  Off she came from the elevator in her sweats, Riley at her side on his leash and her hair twisted up on top of her head.  She seemed happy to see me and we spent the night watching TV and talking.  I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her but then I realized that I had to be at the office on Friday to do exit interviews and mail out checks.  So we decided that she would come home for the weekend so that she could co-sign the lease for the new car as the old lease was up.  I got up that Tuesday morning to see her off to work.  She was beautiful in her navy polka dot silk skirt, beige top and beige ballet flats.  We hugged good-bye and that was the last time I saw her in this life.

I came back to NY and carried on with the week.  At some point on Wednesday or Thursday, Tiffany said that it would work better for her if she came the following Tuesday to do the car.  That was fine with me and she was also going to have an opportunity to see Ryan.  On Friday, June 24, I completed the interviews and paperwork.  After work, I went to a friend's house for dinner and some wine.

We had finished dinner and were enjoying wine and conversation when at 10:30 pm my phone rang.  It was Tiffany and she was sobbing so hard I couldn't understand what she was saying.  Apparently she had had a text exchange with a family member that had really upset her.  She told me the gist of it and then she hung up the phone.  I tried to call her back but she wouldn't answer.  I finally texted her to answer her phone but got no reply.  My last text to her, which she never read, was "I love you more than life itself".  I sat there stunned and petrified.  I started to cry and told my friend I was afraid something would happen to Tiffany and that if she were to die, I don't know how I would go on.  I can't tell you why these thoughts went through my head or what it was that triggered it.

My immediate response was to get in my car and drive to Stamford.  My friend tried to convince me not to do that but it was the call from Ryan that made me decide not to.  He had spoken with Tiffany and was about 75% certain he had calmed her down.  We decided not to call the police so as not to embarrass Tiffany since she had been through this situation a few times before.  She promised him she would not do anything and they made arrangements to touch base on the phone around midnight.  When Ryan couldn't reach her at the agreed-upon time on either of her phones, he called me.  By this time I was home and I was torn about what to do.  It seemed to us that it would be best to wait because now her work phone was on but she wasn't answering it.  Throughout the rest of the night and through the morning I kept calling but her personal cell was off and she didn't answer her work cell.

On Saturday, June 25, I was in constant touch with Ryan and our best explanation was that she was out therapy shopping; although why her personal cell wouldn't be on was a puzzle.  I got the phone number for her friend, Elyse, to ask her if she had been in touch with Tiffany.  She said she hadn't talked to Tiffany in a while so I called the apartment complex.  I convinced the woman at the complex to go to Tiffany's room to check on her.  She called me back about 11 am to say that everything looked fine.  The TV was on and that Duke was in the living room.  The TV being on seemed strange to me but what I could do from 2 hrs away?  The crux of the matter here was that the woman did not go any further into the apartment than the kitchen and Tiffany's bedroom was around the corner.

By 3:00 pm, I was completely frantic.  I made arrangements to rent a car since my lease was up and by 6:00 pm I was in the car with Riley on the way to Stamford.  Riley sat in the passenger seat curled up as I drove the more than 2 hrs to Stamford.  I can remember Katy Perry's "Firework" playing on the radio and Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years".  To this day, the songs that played on the radio during that horrible drive resonate with me whenever I hear them.

I arrived in Stamford around 8:30 pm and when I got to the apartment complex, I was able to get in as someone was coming out.  I had given Tiffany her apartment key back so I had no other option.  I went to her apartment on the 6th floor and knocked endlessly on the door, calling her name.  I could hear that the TV was still on and I could only assume she wasn't there or she was sleeping.  I went back outside to see if I could see into her apartment.  There was light on in the living room, the blinds were half-way down as she normally kept them and I knew the TV was on.  However, the bedroom was dark and the blinds were pulled all the way down which was not normal.  Then I went looking for her Jeep and I found it parked in front of the building.  Then I knew that she had to be in her apartment and I was scared to death.

 I was torn as to what to do so I called her father but he really wasn't very helpful.  I was so afraid and said to him, "for all I know she could be dead in her bed".  Little did I know how true that was that was going to prove to be.  The concierge wasn't there but there was a number to call.  I called and explained the situation and desperate I was.  The woman from the complex came to meet me and we (including Riley) went up to Tiffany's apartment.  We walked in and she said to me, see everything's exactly how it was earlier today.  I could see that there was a glass of what looked like orange juice on the kitchen counter.  I walked further into the apartment, calling Tiffany's name.  I turned to the right towards her bedroom.  To this day I can't remember if the light on her nightstand was on but I can remember seeing her laying on her bed, covered by her comforter and her hair sticking out from under the comforter.

I walked into her bedroom and went up to the bed.  I pulled the comforter away from her head and there she lay on her right side as she were peacefully sleeping.  She was in her sweatpants, a tank top and her fuzzy robe.  I knew from one look at her that she had left this mortal coil.  Her face was colorless with small bruises around her eyes.  I touched her cold and stiff shoulder, shook it and called her name in the deepest of despair.  I started to scream, "Oh my God, she's dead!!  SHE'S DEAD!".  I ran into the bathroom, back to the bedroom, pacing around the room, went back up to her to touch her to see if it were a dream.  But it was all too real.  The poor woman grabbed me and said, "No, she isn't. We'll call 911".

During all this, Riley obviously sensed that something was wrong and sat on her couch and I sat on one of her bar stools, completely numb and in utter anguish and shock.  The EMTs and police came.  They found 2 large empty bottles of wine in the garbage that had been purchased at 7:00 pm Friday night, as well as empty prescription bottles in the bathroom.  An EMT came out of the closed bedroom and approached me.  I looked at him and said, "Please, please tell me that she isn't dead".  "I'm sorry", he said and I knew it was true.  The police asked me questions but what they were, I can no longer recall.  I do know they looked at her cell phone and asked about the text exchange.  But when I got the phone back, that text exchange was gone from the phone.

Finally, it came time for me to leave so that they could transport Tiffany to the morgue.  I asked if I could see her one last time but they said that I couldn't.  I also couldn't stay in her apartment and had to find a hotel.  I was completely heartbroken and asked where they were taking her.  She was going to Torrington which was a few hours away.  I couldn't fathom how I was going to go on.  The woman from the complex stayed with me the entire time, God bless her, and came with me to the hotel.  The police had retrieved Duke from under her bed so I left him there and took Riley with me to the hotel.  The woman stayed with me until Tiffany's father arrived, sometime around 4:30 am.

I was filled with such agony that I couldn't turn my brain off.  Around 7:30 am on Sunday, I went to the hospital ER because I thought I was losing my mind.  They put me in a bed, gave me something for my anxiety and had a pastor and psychiatrist come and talk to me.  After I don't know how long, I went back to the hotel to wait for Troy's arrival and my brother, Ian, from Boston.  They kept me somewhat sane that day.  My brother went back to Boston that night and on Monday, Troy and I left for NY with Riley and Duke.

The next several days were a whirlwind of funeral arrangements, going through pictures for her video and collages, and closing up her apartment.  On July 4, 2011, all her belongings were unpacked and put in my house.  This nightmare chapter was ended but the devastation had just begun.

Living in the Aftermath

June 24, 2011 - what I can only refer to as my life as I knew it "Before".  And June 25, 2011 is the day my nightmare began - the Aftermath.

Since that time, life has been an unending series of ups and downs.  That first year, I was in that surreal, numb stage.  It was like I was on auto-pilot and somehow I was able to get through the days with some semblance of normalcy.  I don't know if I could say that I had any interest in living but I had many tasks to accomplish in which I could totally immerse myself.  I was driven in so many ways; I lost a lot of weight, had a hardwood floor put down in my family room, painted the front of my house (never have gotten to the side and back), redid my kitchen (counter tops, floor, backsplash, walls), got a new front door, started Tiffany's serenity garden, replaced my dining room set and dishwasher and the list goes on.

Then towards the end of 2012, reality began to sink in.  I started to put on weight, lost interest in the many things left that I wanted to accomplish.  The only place I could function was at work but even there I didn't seem to be as tuned in as I thought.  I tried to keep up my friendships but it was too hard for me to interact with people and many of them drifted away.  2012 turned into 2013 and I was faced with new challenges.  My father's health began to fail so I began to get involved in working with his doctor's office to find a new protocol to treat his multiple myeloma.  Up through June, I took him for his treatments, doctor's visits, blood transfusions, etc.  Each time offered us the opportunity to have dinner afterwards during which we had wonderful conversations.  However, by July, the treatment was not working and had to be stopped.  Now it was just a matter of time.  He moved to an assisted living facility an hour away but I visited him as often as I could.  I met with the funeral director at my father's request to make the funeral arrangements in advance.

All this activity kept me occupied but by the end of September, things began to get more complicated.  Paul ended up in the hospital twice and the second time coincided with my father's approaching death.  In early October, my father passed away.  Like with Tiffany's death, my daily job as her mother ended and my role as my father's daughter came to an end as well.  Now, except for Paul and Troy, I was completely lost.

By 2014, I had turned my grief completely inward and threw myself into work.  It was one of the few things that gave me purpose.  I lost interest in so many things and the only thing I kept up with was Tiffany's serenity garden which I finished that year.  Meanwhile, my depression, stress level and PTSD worsened, leading to the constant refrain in my head, "I don't want to be here".  My weight continued to climb and my health began to suffer.  I always had what I considered good health but in March, I ended up having a lumpectomy.  The diagnosis wasn't entirely conclusive but the risks were above normal.  In July, just as my grandson, Ryder, was born, I came down with shingles and in October and December, I had 2 bouts with bronchitis.  I wondered what was going on and it was posed to me that perhaps I was wishing myself to death.

Maybe part of that is true.  Maybe I was surrounded by "death energy".  I didn't really care about much and spent my free time reading or on my iPad/Computer.  Trying to get things done was a chore (no pun intended) that I couldn't be bothered with.  I vowed to start 2015 concentrating on my health.  I made a concerted effort to eat better and get more exercise.  My focus on work paid off and I not only got a great rating but I also got a fantastic raise and a promotion to go with it.  Things seemed to be improving until Feb when I needed to get another biopsy.  Luckily that was negative.  I made it through Tiffany's birthday and anniversary.  I even went to Charlotte for Hunter's 5th birthday.  Then one week after Tiffany's anniversary, I fell and broke my shoulder.  I was in pain for 12 days and those summer days are lost forever.  I started PT which helped and but after a visit to the oncologist, I began to be concerned with my Glucose level.  I went to my family practitioner's office to have it looked at and the results came back that I am pre-diabetic.  I thought, seriously, what could possibly come next?  Only time will tell, at this point, I guess.

So now was the time to take action.  I had thought that if I ate less and less, I would lose weight but it was the complete opposite.  Things worsened for me to the point that one day I actually was seriously thinking about taking enough medication to take the pain away.  Luckily I snapped out of it.  That's not to say that those thoughts don't still stray through my mind.  So I had to take myself in hand and drastically change the way I ate.  By doing this, in 3 weeks, I have lost 7 lbs.  I wish it were more but it's a start and I'm tired of having health problems.  That's kind of ironic coming from someone who often wonders why they are still here.

I try very hard to control my regrets and not blame myself for what happened to Tiffany.  I try not to ruminate, dwell on the "if onlys" and "what ifs" or let the stress get to me.  Paul says that I don't talk about Tiffany as much anymore which is probably true because sometimes it just brings too much pain.  But I think of her all the time.  How could I not?

For those parents going through the loss of a child, I have no words of wisdom.  I don't have any insights that can make it better and obviously I have not traveled very far in this journey of grief.  You could even say that I am stuck.  I spend a lot of time in therapy which helps until the next time I slip and slide back to where I was.  I also spend a lot of time alone, working from home.  I have only few friends now and I don't see any of them on a regular basis.  I'm endlessly sad but try to put on a good front.

I have read a lot (and I do mean a lot) about grief and the loss of a child.  And something I read yesterday I found to be quite profound.  It makes me think that I need to find some purpose or way to honor and remember Tiffany.  Like the man who planted 4 miles of wildflowers along his property line to honor his wife who loved wildflowers.  Start something amazing!  I hope I can take these words to heart, be kind to myself and move along this path of grief.
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The Visitations

Those of us who have lost a loved one often talk about visitation dreams but what about what seem to be real visitations by the dearly departed?  Since Tiffany died, I have experienced two of these types of occurrences. 

The first time this happened, it was about 6:00 am on a Friday morning in August 2013.  I was in a deep sleep, dreaming some now-lost dream. Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching my bed and I remembering thinking in my dream how odd that was.  It was odd because on some level I knew that the door was closed. How could there be footsteps in the room when I never heard the door open?  What was also strange was that I seemed to be on two different planes.  On the one hand, I was dreaming and knew I was dreaming.  But at the same time, I realized that there was something happening outside of the dream state, in the real world.

As I lay there, on my side, listening to the footsteps approach the bed and stop just short of my shoulder, I heard a voice, Tiffany's sweet voice, say gently "Mom...Mom?" It was so real that I woke right up out of the dream, sat up and looked at the door (which was still closed). Of course, no one was there but her voice resonated in my mind. I calmly, without fear, settled back down and fell asleep, hoping maybe she would come back to me in my dreams but she didn't.

Paul was in the other room getting ready for work and when I told him about it, he told me that he had heard footsteps as well.  But he just thought that I had gotten up but I hadn't left the bed.  It is this that makes me think that what I heard was real and not just a dream.

I never did figure out if she had a message for me but at the time I hadn't been feeling great, either mentally or physically.  After the visit, I felt a little bit better.  Maybe that was her purpose, if there was one.  Whatever the reason, I am so grateful for that little visit out of time...it soothed my soul.

The next time it happened was just a month ago.  It was Memorial Day and we were on vacation in Massachusetts.  I forget what time it was but it wasn't too early or too late in the morning.  I woke up, opened my eyes and heard a voice say "Mom".  I looked at Paul, who was standing in the room, told him that someone had called to me and closed my eyes.  As I rested there on the bed, I felt a soft touch on my hip as if someone had laid their hand gently on me.

This experience was so reminiscent of the first occasion that I really have begun to wonder if perhaps there is something that Tiffany is trying to communicate.  I wish I knew what it was, if anything.  Or maybe she's just letting me know she's with me and she's okay.

Waking dreams, lucid dreams, visitation dreams...whatever kind they are, can be fascinating, especially when someone close and most dear to you has died.  It was less than a week after I had this visitation that I attended a meeting where the guest speaker spoke at length about Dreams and the Departed.  And just last September, I went to an all-day workshop, given by the same guest speaker, on Meeting the Departed in Dreams.  It was shortly after that workshop that I had the most vivid (and probably the first significant) dream of Tiffany.  If you want to know more about this type of dream, please visit "Visitation Dreams: Dreaming of Someone You Know Who Has Died".

As the 4th anniversary of her death approaches, I pray for more dreams to come of Tiffany, my sweet "Princess".

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” 
― Walt Disney Company (from Cinderella)

Birthday Dream

Dear Tiffany,
Today is your actual birthday.  Happy Birthday!  I'm feeling a little optimistic at this moment because I woke up to the beautiful, bright sun shining directly in my eyes.  A dream of you lingered in my mind and when the fog of sleep dissipated, I remembered the dream.

You and I were playing a game on TV.  It was like one of the games I play...sort of like Hidden Objects.  In this game, a still-shot from a movie was displayed on the TV screen.  Then a movie clip was played and the object of the game was to stop the clip when the scene matched the still-shot seen previously.  We were having a hilarious time trying to coordinate whose turn it was, ensure that we didn't miss the still-shot, after which we had to try to guess the right moment.

We played this game a few times.  One of the movie clips had Sandra Bullock in it and I have no idea why that actress came to mind.  Maybe because you did enjoy many of her movies.  It really should have been Dorothy or Glinda or the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz!  Anyway, after we were done, the scores appeared on the screen.  It was 12 points for you and 24 points for me.  I guess I just had more experienced playing this type of game.  LOL...

I had several other dreams last night.  They were all about you and Troy and Kelly.  Dreams about rescue and lost things, about sharing love and comfort, as well as about soothing fear and pain.  Maybe a lesson to be learned here?

"The best things in life come in threes.  Loved ones (friends), dreams and memories."
-- Unknown (paraphrased)

With all my love,
Mom

Happy Birthday, Tiffany

It was 28 years ago today, March 22, 1987, that I went into labor with Tiffany.  I had just arrived home from finishing up a few details for the nursery.  It had been a difficult pregnancy, fraught with problems and anxiety.  Although I had passed the 20-week mark, on February 14, at 30 weeks, I went into labor.  Fortunately, the doctor was able to stop the labor and here it was 5 weeks later.  I was now at the point of no return and there was no stopping this child from being born.

So, on a sunny, warm spring day, the 23rd day of March, 1987, Tiffany Marie Gallo came into this world and until the day she died 24 years and 3 months later, she was a joy to behold.  I often wonder what she did that last birthday on March 23, 2011, in Stamford, CT.  I wasn't there and all I have are some pictures of her surrounded by friends.  I hope and pray she was happy and had a wonderful day.

Because only 3 months after that 24th birthday, Death, like a thief, sneaked through the night and stole my child's life away.  Grief is the enemy left behind.  Oh, how I hate Grief.  It is pain and suffering and sadness and emptiness.  It never goes away; always there in the background waiting to catch you unaware and throw you into a tailspin.

I hate that Tiffany is not here to live her life, beautiful, happy, healthy, that gorgeous girl we all knew.

I hate that there are no more pictures, no more memories, no more anything.  I hate that people expect you to get over this unbearable loss, be the same person you were and get on with your life.  I will never get over it; I will always grieve for all that is lost.

I hate that I can't talk to her, that the only communication is through signs and dreams.  It's not enough.  I often can't remember the dreams; all I know is that she was there somehow and it kills me that I don't know what the message is.

I hate that I can't touch her soft skin, see her lovely face with that gorgeous, breath-taking smile, hear her voice that sounded so young and gaze into her beautiful blue eyes.  Eyes that gaze out at me from pictures and make me always wonder what she was thinking.  Eyes that I fall into right down to the very soul of her.

I hate that she's not here to get to know her wonderful nephews and play with them.  She will never meet her soul mate, the man of her dreams.  She will never get married and have children of her own.  Everyone has moved beyond her loss and gotten on with their lives while I am left behind trying to make sense of it all.

I hate that all I have to remember her are memories that I try to hold on to, grasp with all my might, that I'm so afraid will slip away.  Memories that flash through my mind, some taking me so by surprise that I am left gasping.

I hate that I couldn't save her, couldn't heal her, didn't understand enough to help.  It's tragic that the last sight I ever had was of her laid out in her coffin.  She was too young to have had to have a funeral and to be buried in the ground.  It feels so wrong that I have to visit her at a cemetery.  It's not enough to create a memorial garden, to wear jewelry that commemorates her or find other ways to honor her.

And I hate that I am lost, that I don't see my living child, my son, and his family often enough.  I'm sad that he hasn't seen Tiffany's grave site but once in 4 years.  It's difficult for me to keep up communications with friends and loved ones; isolation is so tempting and easy.  Sometimes, I feel as if I were drifting away.

But...there is much to love.  I love that she graced us with her life and walked this earth.  That she touched many other people.  I loved raising her and seeing her grow into a beautiful young woman.  I love that she had some happiness and success and at times, that she had fun.  I loved doing things with her and for her, talking to her and just being with her.  I love that I have her animals to take care of and remind me of her.  I love that I have someone to help me through this horrible journey and that there are those who support me, even if I hold them at a distance.

I love every single thing about Tiffany, the good and the not-so-good!  I love her as much today and the day she left as I did on the balmy, summer-like day that she entered this world.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -- But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”
-- Hilary Stanton Zunin