Then towards the end of 2012, reality began to sink in. I started to put on weight, lost interest in the many things left that I wanted to accomplish. The only place I could function was at work but even there I didn't seem to be as tuned in as I thought. I tried to keep up my friendships but it was too hard for me to interact with people and many of them drifted away. 2012 turned into 2013 and I was faced with new challenges. My father's health began to fail so I began to get involved in working with his doctor's office to find a new protocol to treat his multiple myeloma. Up through June, I took him for his treatments, doctor's visits, blood transfusions, etc. Each time offered us the opportunity to have dinner afterwards during which we had wonderful conversations. However, by July, the treatment was not working and had to be stopped. Now it was just a matter of time. He moved to an assisted living facility an hour away but I visited him as often as I could. I met with the funeral director at my father's request to make the funeral arrangements in advance.
All this activity kept me occupied but by the end of September, things began to get more complicated. Paul ended up in the hospital twice and the second time coincided with my father's approaching death. In early October, my father passed away. Like with Tiffany's death, my daily job as her mother ended and my role as my father's daughter came to an end as well. Now, except for Paul and Troy, I was completely lost.
By 2014, I had turned my grief completely inward and threw myself into work. It was one of the few things that gave me purpose. I lost interest in so many things and the only thing I kept up with was Tiffany's serenity garden which I finished that year. Meanwhile, my depression, stress level and PTSD worsened, leading to the constant refrain in my head, "I don't want to be here". My weight continued to climb and my health began to suffer. I always had what I considered good health but in March, I ended up having a lumpectomy. The diagnosis wasn't entirely conclusive but the risks were above normal. In July, just as my grandson, Ryder, was born, I came down with shingles and in October and December, I had 2 bouts with bronchitis. I wondered what was going on and it was posed to me that perhaps I was wishing myself to death.
Maybe part of that is true. Maybe I was surrounded by "death energy". I didn't really care about much and spent my free time reading or on my iPad/Computer. Trying to get things done was a chore (no pun intended) that I couldn't be bothered with. I vowed to start 2015 concentrating on my health. I made a concerted effort to eat better and get more exercise. My focus on work paid off and I not only got a great rating but I also got a fantastic raise and a promotion to go with it. Things seemed to be improving until Feb when I needed to get another biopsy. Luckily that was negative. I made it through Tiffany's birthday and anniversary. I even went to Charlotte for Hunter's 5th birthday. Then one week after Tiffany's anniversary, I fell and broke my shoulder. I was in pain for 12 days and those summer days are lost forever. I started PT which helped and but after a visit to the oncologist, I began to be concerned with my Glucose level. I went to my family practitioner's office to have it looked at and the results came back that I am pre-diabetic. I thought, seriously, what could possibly come next? Only time will tell, at this point, I guess.
So now was the time to take action. I had thought that if I ate less and less, I would lose weight but it was the complete opposite. Things worsened for me to the point that one day I actually was seriously thinking about taking enough medication to take the pain away. Luckily I snapped out of it. That's not to say that those thoughts don't still stray through my mind. So I had to take myself in hand and drastically change the way I ate. By doing this, in 3 weeks, I have lost 7 lbs. I wish it were more but it's a start and I'm tired of having health problems. That's kind of ironic coming from someone who often wonders why they are still here.
I try very hard to control my regrets and not blame myself for what happened to Tiffany. I try not to ruminate, dwell on the "if onlys" and "what ifs" or let the stress get to me. Paul says that I don't talk about Tiffany as much anymore which is probably true because sometimes it just brings too much pain. But I think of her all the time. How could I not?
For those parents going through the loss of a child, I have no words of wisdom. I don't have any insights that can make it better and obviously I have not traveled very far in this journey of grief. You could even say that I am stuck. I spend a lot of time in therapy which helps until the next time I slip and slide back to where I was. I also spend a lot of time alone, working from home. I have only few friends now and I don't see any of them on a regular basis. I'm endlessly sad but try to put on a good front.
I have read a lot (and I do mean a lot) about grief and the loss of a child. And something I read yesterday I found to be quite profound. It makes me think that I need to find some purpose or way to honor and remember Tiffany. Like the man who planted 4 miles of wildflowers along his property line to honor his wife who loved wildflowers. Start something amazing! I hope I can take these words to heart, be kind to myself and move along this path of grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember, condemning yourself can build some illusion of
control. What lies beneath your self-blame are the terrible facts that you
cannot control:
Suicidal forces overtook your loved
one.
You have suffered an unfathomable
loss.
You cannot turn back time, do it
over or do it differently.
Each of these is a loss.
Mourning these losses is the
essence of grief.
Your grief deserves your
compassion.
~~Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW
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