Who Tiffany Was: Part 2 - Relationships

What traumatic events drive a 12 year-old young girl to start purging? Is it really because girls at school were making fun of her? Is it because someone called her an elephant when she was in 4th grade? Or because a family member teased her as they will do or someone even closer to her told her she didn't need to eat something she particularly liked?

Could it have been deeper than that? Did the fact that her father traveled about 80% of the year play a factor in her development, exacerbating her fear of abandonment?  Was the divorce of her parents at age 14 another critical factor in her personality development?

They say that Borderline Personality Disorder can be caused by childhood trauma.  It is also said to be inherited, especially if a first degree relative has schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.  While there are certainly members of the family whose mental health is questionable, none that close have been diagnosed with either disorder.  But, no doubt, life was not smooth with her father gone and then her parents divorced.  Of course, BPD is not diagnosed until the person reaches age 18 since they say the personality is still developing.  So one wonders -- does the eating disorder disturb the brain chemicals to such a degree as to bring the onset of BPD?  Or is BPD, caused by some childhood trauma, the underlying cause for the eating disorder?  Quite a conundrum...

So what does this have to do with Tiffany's relationships?  Well, in this area of her life, they were surprisingly stable.  Interestingly, they were few.  Two of the three lasted for a significant length of time.  And they all had a loving family unit that was intact, unaffected by divorce.  In each of these families, Tiffany was considered a member of the family, like a daughter.  She spent a considerable amount of time with each family over the relationship period and they all came to love her like their own.  As her mother, I was overjoyed to see her get along so well, to see her happy.  In the beginning of her first relationship, I knew there was an underlying sadness about her but didn't know about her bulimia yet.  But while I was delighted to see her fit in so well with these families, I also felt hurt that she wanted to spend more time with her boyfriends' families than her own.  What could I do but say to myself that I had to deal with it and do whatever made her happy?

Her first relationship lasted a little more than 2 years.  She spent every free moment with her boyfriend and his family, and she seemed very contented.  I remember how she talked about the future and how they would get married after college.  I guess all young girls do that with their first "love".  She was a cheerleader and he, a football player.  She joined the family on vacation and worked on their farm, always wanting to help out.  She would help make doughnuts and kissing balls and I'm sure she tried to be a bit bossy as she had a tendency to be.  That was so much what Tiffany was about.  But, alas, things changed when he went away to college and she stayed behind in high school.  Their relationship couldn't be maintained and they broke up.  I'll never forget that October day as long as I live and how out of control she was with grief.  She tried to keep the relationship going but by November there was nothing she could do.  She lay on my bed that night -- Election Day, I think -- and told me it was over and all I could do was hold her and comfort her, my heart breaking for her and her pain.

For the next year, her weight plummeted but I figured that was to be expected.  When she started college the following August, she seemed to have recovered her spirits and that first day in the dorms, she met the boy who would be her boyfriend for the next 4 years.  From the outside looking in, it was a very stable, loving relationship.  They did so many things together, from weddings to family gatherings to holidays to school to parties - you name it.  She spent time with his parents and his family doing many of these things and grew close to them as well.  And I can remember so vividly her gathering clothes that she no longer wanted or that no longer fit because she was determined to give them to a young relative.  That was just like Tiffany.  

I knew about the eating disorder by this time but she seemed to have it under control, as well as the early binge drinking during freshman year.  It was also during these years that she took part in the weddings of two of her first boyfriend's siblings.  Even though no longer together, she still meant so much to the family.  These were the quiet, happy years...at least for her loved ones.

That's not to say there wasn't any drama during that time.  There were still worries about her health...visits to doctors and therapists.  She started to see nutritionists, as well, as she really tried to focus on eating better and exercising right.  But she seemed content living on campus despite some roommate troubles at first, seemingly bonding well with her boyfriend and his friends, in addition to her suitemates and people she worked with.  Yet, she was still driven, striving for perfection, hard on herself and unforgiving of her own perceived imperfections and mistakes.   However, I think having her family and friends close by kept her grounded, enabling her to manage her emotions.  She went on to graduate from college early and attend graduate school, all in 4 years time.  She saw her brother get married to the girl of his dreams on a beautiful September day just one short year before moving to Stamford.  Life was good then.

After Troy got married, Tiffany went to graduate school, spent much of her spare time with her boyfriend and prepared for the next phase of her life.  It's hard to remember now but I thought she would find a job close to her boyfriend's hometown but that didn't happen.  After helping Tiffany to weigh all the pros and cons, Stamford won out as the location of choice and sometime in the months before she started her job, Tiffany and her boyfriend decided to break up.  Looking back, I guess she decided that long-distance relationships were too difficult to maintain, having had first-hand experience in this area.

In October 2009, Tiffany moved to Stamford to start her new job.  I encouraged her to concentrate on getting acclimated to her job, making new friends and discovering who she was without a boyfriend in her life.  All good in theory, I guess.  However, as with college, she met someone practically the first day she started on the job and although she probably tried to keep herself an arm's length away, well, I'm sure it didn't do any good.  Who could resist her?

I know she had a lot of fun in those first few months in Stamford before things went south.  Work seemed good -- she walked to and from the job every day, she was going out with friends, meeting in the bars...just having fun.  Then after January 2010, I think things changed.  She started to see someone which was good but she started to drink too much which was bad.  She didn't know how to stop at one...it was all or nothing.  So she felt that people were judging her, I'm sure, and her roommate problems got worse.  By March, she knew she was in trouble.  I know she confided in her boyfriend who was very supportive.  His family was very taken with Tiffany and they all went on vacation to Orlando together.  She even went on a cruise with her boyfriend where they had a wonderful time.  Back in Stamford, she spent a lot of time with him because it was very difficult for her to go to her apartment under the circumstances but he had roommates also.  I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her to feel like she didn't truly belong anywhere...almost like a transient.  At the same time, she was also her own worst enemy; self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling, unable to believe that what she had would last.

Because what she feared the most did happen.  In June, she and her boyfriend broke up.  How can I forget that late night phone call as he drove her home from a function they had attended, her telling me that the relationship was over?  How many times was my heart going to break for her?  How was I going to help her pick up the pieces again and go on?  How little did I know that was nothing compared to the complete and utter heartbreak that was to come.

A few days after the breakup, Tiffany entered treatment.  That part of the story has been told.  Then sometime in November of 2010, Tiffany reached out to her former boyfriend in an effort to reconnect as friends.  Tiffany needed a strong support system; by this point, she was completely alone in Stamford but she refused to even consider coming back home.  He did everything he could to keep her going, to keep her motivated, her emotions in check and her thinking rational.  He was her confidant and therapist, all at the same time, which was difficult because he was now several hours away -- no longer in Stamford.

But it wasn't only a one-way street.  Tiffany being the person she was, helped him, too.  She did what she did best.  She planned and researched.  She found a school that didn't require GREs or GMATs for a master's program in the field he wanted to study and the school happened to be his alma mater.  She encouraged him to apply.  He did, was accepted and completed the program even when she was no longer there to cheer him on.  They remained dear friends right up to the end.

Ryan's eulogy to Tiffany:

Tiffany told me that some of her most favorite times with me were when we would be driving around somewhere and I would be singing. She would always joke by saying I should be on the TV Show “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” because I knew all of the words to so many songs. Believe me when I tell you, it had nothing to do with my voice, as she never suggested that I should try to go on “American Idol” or “America’s got Talent.”

Even more than my terrible singing, Tiffany would tell me that she liked when I would tell her stories about my past and growing up. Stories about my hockey years, silly things I did growing up, crazy things that happened to me in a given day…. anything really. It got to the point where she couldn’t wait for them to come naturally and on many occasions she would turn, look at me with those eyes, and say, “Tell me a story”.

She had a certain face that went along with that request that you could not say no to.  Fortunately for me, all of my stories seemed to entertain her. So, today for Tiffany, I will tell some more stories.

I met Tiffany in a weird twist of fate when we both started working for PwC, Tiffany in Stamford, and I in Manhattan. I say weird because I was supposed to be in the Manhattan training group, but due to a mistake I was placed in the “Visitors to Manhattan” group.

Thanks to this mistake I was afforded the opportunity to meet people from other offices. Upon entering the room I was instantly attracted to the cute, short, quiet, blonde girl, sitting at the Stamford table, who, much like me, did not speak much in a crowd. However, unlike me, she seemed to have all the right answers. To be honest, I might have peeked at her paper just a few times during this training.

Over time, I learned that she wasn’t always quiet and had the potential to be like a firecracker; small, quiet, and reserved, until you got to know her, or rather “lit her fuse.”

Talking about this reminds me of our last family vacation where we brought Tiffany along to Orlando, Florida. Tiffany was happy to be getting away from the cold North East, excited about getting away from the office, and ohh... absolutely ECSTATIC about going to Universal’s Harry Potter Land!

Tiffany was a HUGE Harry Potter fan! I will never forget how excited she was when she could see “Hogwarts” inside of Universal Studios, and when we entered “Hogsmead” (the recreated Harry Potter Village for you non Harry Potter fanatics), forget it... The saying “Kid in a Candy Store” doesn’t quite do it justice.  We saw everything in that Village… Tiff made sure of it.

Lucky for us, it was an “off-week”, and we did not have to wait too long in lines to see everything, but she would have easily waited in line all day for the Harry Potter Castle ride. It should also be noted that it would not matter the time in line, how much it cost, or that it didn’t actually do real magic, she was getting a replica Harry Potter Wand*!

Only after Tiffany made a few modest purchases; ya know something to show people you had gone there; so 8 or 9 items later… we could finally leave Harry Potter Land and continue with the rest of the Park.

Another great moment came from the same Florida trip when she completely shocked me for the first time. Tiff, loved that I could read her mind in many situations, and finish her sentences. I don’t know how I did it, but I always seemed to know what she was thinking, and when she was hiding something from me… which she wasn’t always happy about.

However, I would have bet my paycheck against her wanting to go reverse bungee jumping, but as soon as she saw it, she began shaking my arm saying, “We are SO doing that!!” I tried stalling but it was no use, she was determined to do this, slingshot looking contraption that would fling us into the sky at amazing speed.

We got strapped in to the double seat and surprisingly, she was still very excited to be hurled over a hundred feet into the sky. I know this because I repeatedly asked her “are you sure about this?” Hoping of course, that she might change her mind… also, wasn’t going to happen.

 They gave us a count down and VOOSSHH, we were off, hurling into the Orlando Night sky. My stomach instantly dropped into my lap and I said “ HOOO-LLLY…” and for the first time, Tiffany finished one of my sentences…

When you are finished they offer to show you the video replay of your trip into the sky. At the moment of lift off, you could see in her face that she then realized she may have bit off more then she could chew but we both had a lot of fun and it is a moment that I will remember forever.

On a more serious note, Tiffany was very driven; she completed her bachelors and masters, both with high honors and ahead of schedule. She got hired by one of the best accounting firms in the world, and passed her CPA exam to become a Licensed Certified Public Accountant. She accomplished so much in such a short period of time.

Tiffany was also a great friend who would do just about anything for you. She was my personal accountant; she did all my taxes for me, and even did a return for my brother. She also took care of me when I got sick due to food poisoning. I remember, I spent the night on my bathroom floor and had to call into work sick as it looked like I was not going anywhere soon. I told her to go into work and that I would be ok.

At that moment she smiled, grabbed her phone, and called into work as well only leaving me for about 20 minutes to run to the store and pick up Ginger ale and Saltines. This was the type of person she was.

As any great Friend would, Tiffany inspired me to pursue what I am passionate about; from making time in my schedule to coach hockey, to going back to school to get a masters in Psychology. When faced with obstacles, she pushed when she knew it was something I was passionate about and wanted to do; helping me achieve my goal. Even though I have told you this before, Tiffany, thank you for staying by my side and for pushing me, Sweetie.

Now for the really hard part. It's going to be so hard not expecting a text message around 4:00pm that reads "I'm bored". Or months from now when the final chapter to the Harry Potter and Transformers saga is released and we won’t be going to watch it together. Or even years from now when I’m trying to tell stories that you will be the subject of or a part of, because we had such great times together and you meant so much to me.

For whatever reason that mistake occurred that placed me in your training, I am so happy it happened and allowed us the chance to meet and become great friends.

Today, I feel so empty saying goodbye to my best friend.  You are going to be missed by so many. You will forever live in my heart, I love you, Tiffany, and I can't wait to see you again. I will never forget you.

Goodbye, Sweetie.

Tiffany was a complicated person with simple interests.  There was nothing she loved more than sitting around, watching her favorite TV shows and movies with friends and family, cooking dinner and baking cookies, late night talks with friends, lounging in her sweats...she could be a bit of homebody.  And she loved more than anything to tell someone, in her voice that always sounded so young, how they got to do something with her or for her or because of her.  It almost became her trademark and you just had to laugh when she said it.

She also had her dreams.  If you knew her well, you knew that she had a thing for Tiffany jewelry.  She was determined that if she ever got married, her engagement ring would be from Tiffany & Co.  She even had the Tiffany Ring finder on her iPhone.  And her hope was that she would get that ring on the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Center in New York City when that proposal finally came.  If only her wishes could have come true...

Rockefeller Center February 2012

As I close, I want to mention that although I haven't heard Ryan's eulogy in three years, I am struck by the similarities between his and Amanda's.  Yet Ryan and Amanda never met.  And amazingly, when I wrote this, I didn't have what Ryan wrote in front of me (it was the final entry into this post) and yet his words echo mine so eerily.  Because this was who Tiffany was.

* Note: the Harry Potter's Wand that Tiffany purchased in Orlando with Ryan and his family was buried with her on July 1, 2011.