My Forever Beauty

This is a brief story of my sweet, lost daughter, Tiffany.  I originally posted this on her Facebook page on November 23, 2013, which was International Survivors of Suicide Day. I've expanded a little more here today.

Tiffany Gallo - In Memoriam

 This is the link to Tiffany's memorial video.  I couldn't paste the video here.

Tiffany was born 5 weeks prematurely in 1987...on a beautiful hot spring day in March.  She suffered no lasting trauma from this early arrival into the world although she did have a brief hospital stay for week when she was a year old.  As a result of being in the hospital, she seemed to develop a fear of men in white coats and needles which she dealt with for many years.

But for the most part, she was a happy, social child who had lots of friends and loved her older brother dearly.  She participated in sports and dance, enjoyed parties and sleepovers, and other than an early preoccupation with food and problems with reading, seemed like any other normal child.  She loved Barbies, Disney movies and the "Wizard of Oz" (of course!) and later on "Sex and the City" and "Harry Potter".

But then things changed drastically at age 12.  Somehow she discovered purging and from then until 24, she suffered from bulimia. Despite this struggle, she grew into a beautiful young lady. Never one to be without life goals, Tiffany received her masters, got a job as a tax accountant at a major accounting firm and earned her CPA license, all in a 2-year period. But all the while, underneath this facade of beauty and success, despair started to set in. Or maybe the despair had been there for a while.  Perhaps as early as age 15.

First Day of Work

CPA License

In 2010, she sought treatment for her eating disorder with little success and later that same year, attempted suicide for the first time. She was ordered back into treatment for her eating disorder but found it hard to stick with it.  She soon started back up with the cycle of binging, purging and overuse of alcohol along with the discovery of cutting; despair grew while hope that she would get better lessened.  Tiffany was told by one mental health practitioner that she had already tried all the drugs possible for her problem and the practitioner had none to recommend.  So she was basically told to go home, dance and smell the roses.  Who can blame her if she thought she was never going to get better?

I tried to help and support her but it was very difficult, if not impossible, for her to accept. I really thought she might be getting better from the reports I received from her doctors and the events of the night she died were no worse than many other times in her life as I've said. Although I think there were some people in her life at that time, as there had been along the way, who didn't understand the demons she fought and who made her life miserable and impossible in Stamford. Maybe there were things that happened during that Friday, an action or an event that I will never know about or that other people know about but have never mentioned or come forward with.  But to this day, I will never know why she had to go, why she did what she did. 

However, based on all I know now and what I now realize that I knew for a few years before she died, I am convinced that she had Borderline Personality Disorder. It would explain so much of her later life, the symptoms she experienced, the problems she faced.  I knew she wasn't Bi-Polar because she didn't have manic highs...she was mostly low...really low.  I'm just not sure why there was never a definitive diagnosis, at least none that I am aware of or that I was privvy to, other than that she had an eating disorder.

It is now 2 years, 9 months since Tiffany took her life. So often it has been hell on earth since her departure from this world. A life made surreal by her absence. I miss her with every fiber of my being. The pain does soften slightly with time then sometime comes back with a vengeance, but never, not ever, goes away...

Notables

 • People with eating disorders are at increased risk of deliberate self-harm
• Depression, anxiety, alcohol and substance problems often accompany eating disorders
• Binging and purging are associated with higher risk of deliberate self-injury
• A comprehensive mental health evaluation is an essential component of evaluating and treating people with eating disorders

Not All Eating Disorders Are the Same (When It Comes to Deliberate Self-Harm)

From the American Association for Suicide Prevention

A Perfect Storm

One often hears people talk about events that converge together at a specific time or day to create what is often referred to as a "perfect storm".  The night of June 24 into June 25, when viewed in retrospect, can only be referred to as one of those scenarios.

One - I had been staying with Tiffany in Stamford but had left to go to Charlotte for Hunter's first Birthday.  I had planned to return to stay with Tiffany and I know that's what she wanted me to do but work interfered.  At any other time, when there were layoffs, the exit interviews were done on the last day of the month.  But in June of 2011, they were skewed and had to be done on June 24.  So I had to return home so that I could be in the office to get the checks and forms to send out to the employees.  But that was okay because she was going to come home the following Tuesday so that we could make the final arrangements on leasing a car.

Two - Because I wasn't in Stamford, I went to dinner at a friend's.  Around 10:30 pm, Tiffany called me sobbing.  We talked about her anguish regarding a text exchange with Kelly and then she just hung up the phone.  When I tried to call her back, she didn't answer.  I was so distraught that I sent her the last text I was ever to send her, telling her "I love you more than life itself".  But to my great sorrow, she never picked up that text.

I sat there at my friend's, sobbing, a fear like no other taking hold of me, telling my friend that I couldn't bear it, couldn't live, couldn't go on if something happened to Tiffany, not knowing what to do.  Wanting to just race out of there and drive down to CT like a bat out of hell but letting myself be convinced that it wasn't a wise move and that everything would be all right.  Mother to the rescue wouldn't go over very well again.

Shortly after that, I exchanged text messages with her former boyfriend and good friend, Ryan.  He had talked to her...oh my goodness, what a relief!  He had calmed her down and was going to talk to her later...in an hour or so.  She had promised she would be fine and she had never broken a promise to him.  Based on that promise, I would wait to hear back from him and we decided there was no need to call the police, which would cause Tiffany embarrassment.

Three - Next thing I knew, Ryan was texting me that he was unable to reach her at the agreed-upon time and that both her phones, personal and business, were off.  Now we didn't know what to do or think.  It was close to midnight so should I drive down there?  But then, a ray of hope, her business phone was turned back on although she wasn't answering it.  She turned it back on, so that was a good sign, right?

Four - Unknown to us at the time, sometime during that night, Tiffany called another person in CT asking for drugs to help her kill herself.  It was probably Oxycodone but she didn't get any.  The person didn't call anyone or the police because they thought that she was probably in contact with someone who knew her state of mind at the time.  The problem was that nobody knew any of this was going on at all.  This is a horror of all horrors.

Five - Kelly usually always told Troy when she talked to Tiffany but this particular night she didn't mention that they had had a text exchange so when I called the next morning to inquire if Troy knew anything about what had been said, he had no clue.  That whole exchange was a bit odd and unlike Tiffany...she often called, causing speculation that if they had spoken with her, maybe they would have picked up something wrong in her voice.

When I look at all of these things together, it seems so clear that if only one course of action had taken a different path, the outcome of that night might have been completely different.  We often say that it was as if she had no chance at all, the odds were against her.  And there were forces working against all of the rest of us, as well, to prevent us from helping her, saving her...she was in the eye of the hurricane, lost in the "perfect storm".

Last picture taken of Tiffany on June 17

The Journey Begins

As I start this first entry, there are only two topics on my mind right now.  Realizations, actually, that I truly discovered on Sunday, March 23, which would have been Tiffany's 27th birthday.  Things I must have been hiding from myself during this 3-year journey of grief.  Scary that it's taken this long for my mind to realize what my heart probably already knew...

First, I deeply regret with every fiber of my being that I did not heed my "mother's intuition" that night of June 24th when my daughter called me sobbing.  That I didn't drop everything I was doing and drive immediately to CT.  The problem was that it was not the first time Tiffany had called me crying; what was a bit unusual was that she hung up on me abruptly and then didn't answer her phone.  And while she was certainly battling many issues in her life, in the past there was usually some indication as to what her next action would be.  This night there was to be none.

I should have gone with my gut.  I didn't.  And yes, I may not have gotten there in time but at least I could have said I tried my best.  I may have saved her that time.  Maybe not the next time but at least I would have done my best that time.  Because you know what, perhaps she could have been saved despite what many have said.  If only I had tried.

I know...there are those words...if only, should have, could have, would have.  But truly, the opportunity was there and it passed me by.  I guess I'm only human to mourn a lost opportunity with such far-reaching consequences...

The second thing I dwell on is how much it hurts, deep down to my soul, to look at her picture.  I honestly can't look at her beautiful face for too long before the silent tears start to creep down my cheeks.  Oh my god, I look at her and it's like being punched in the stomach.  Her life flashes before my eyes, I picture all the future potential she had, all the wonderful plans she made, while the air rushes from my lungs.  I gaze into those blue eyes, remember the softness of her skin, the smell of her hair.  That smile that just reaches out and grabs your heart.  And I just cannot fathom that she is really not here.  I can feel the scream building up from somewhere deep inside me, struggling to escape, fearing if I let it out I may never stop.  For how can it be possible that all I have left are memories and pictures but no Tiffany to hold in my arms, warm and soft and sweet?

So my beloved Tiffany stepped into her ruby slippers, clicked her heels and quietly slipped home over the rainbow.