The Journey Begins

As I start this first entry, there are only two topics on my mind right now.  Realizations, actually, that I truly discovered on Sunday, March 23, which would have been Tiffany's 27th birthday.  Things I must have been hiding from myself during this 3-year journey of grief.  Scary that it's taken this long for my mind to realize what my heart probably already knew...

First, I deeply regret with every fiber of my being that I did not heed my "mother's intuition" that night of June 24th when my daughter called me sobbing.  That I didn't drop everything I was doing and drive immediately to CT.  The problem was that it was not the first time Tiffany had called me crying; what was a bit unusual was that she hung up on me abruptly and then didn't answer her phone.  And while she was certainly battling many issues in her life, in the past there was usually some indication as to what her next action would be.  This night there was to be none.

I should have gone with my gut.  I didn't.  And yes, I may not have gotten there in time but at least I could have said I tried my best.  I may have saved her that time.  Maybe not the next time but at least I would have done my best that time.  Because you know what, perhaps she could have been saved despite what many have said.  If only I had tried.

I know...there are those words...if only, should have, could have, would have.  But truly, the opportunity was there and it passed me by.  I guess I'm only human to mourn a lost opportunity with such far-reaching consequences...

The second thing I dwell on is how much it hurts, deep down to my soul, to look at her picture.  I honestly can't look at her beautiful face for too long before the silent tears start to creep down my cheeks.  Oh my god, I look at her and it's like being punched in the stomach.  Her life flashes before my eyes, I picture all the future potential she had, all the wonderful plans she made, while the air rushes from my lungs.  I gaze into those blue eyes, remember the softness of her skin, the smell of her hair.  That smile that just reaches out and grabs your heart.  And I just cannot fathom that she is really not here.  I can feel the scream building up from somewhere deep inside me, struggling to escape, fearing if I let it out I may never stop.  For how can it be possible that all I have left are memories and pictures but no Tiffany to hold in my arms, warm and soft and sweet?

So my beloved Tiffany stepped into her ruby slippers, clicked her heels and quietly slipped home over the rainbow.