Grief and Loneliness are My Constant Companions

At the dawn of each new year, I am optimistic that this year will be better than the last.  For how can this year be worse than the last.  Yet each year seems to be no better than the one before.  Of course, no year can be worse than 2011 but each successive year has not been much better.  I approached 2014 with high hopes that it would be finally be a good year after past 3 years which had been quite awful.  But it was really not to be.

I think it started with the snowstorm on my birthday.  That in itself was not all that bad but it seemed to be a indicator of what was to come.  That all started the following Monday with a routine mammogram.  What usually took 15 minutes turned into a 2-hour ordeal.  I had 2 mammograms followed by an ultrasound.  As I sat there on the table having the ultrasound, all I could think about was Tiffany.  I'm not sure why I thought of her but tears silently filled my eyes while grief filled my heart.  I really have no explanation as to why I should have been overwhelmed with thoughts of her at that moment since for all I knew, it was just a routine ultrasound.

Later that day, as I stood in the bank making a deposit, the call came from my doctor's office.  They had found something and I needed to make an appointment with a surgeon.  I was taken completely by surprise as I was expecting to hear that everything was fine.  At first I was upset but then the thoughts started to sneak into my mind that it wasn't all that bad for here might be my opportunity to be with Tiffany if things didn't work out.  My fear started to subside and it all seemed inevitable.  Strange how one's mind works...

What followed has been very stressful and confusing.  I went to see the surgeon who ordered a bi-lateral core needle biopsy.  I ended up only having to have one as the cyst on the left only needed to be aspirated and was benign.  The one on the right showed signs of abnormality so more tests followed.  First an MRI, then a lumpectomy.  All this took place from Feb 10 through Mar 18.  It was a whirlwind and a rollercoaster and I would have much preferred not to have been on for the ride.  By the end of March, there were still signs of abnormality so it was on to genetic testing and risk assessment.  Finally, things settled down somewhat.  I saw the oncologist and was put on exemestane which I'll have to take for the next 5 years or so but the genetic testing all came out negative.  That's very good news but this has all been a drain financially as my medical plan does not have good coverage and I'm left with substantial bills.

In addition to the toll financially, this has definitely taken a toll on me mentally.  I feel very isolated and don't feel that I am handling all this very well on top of losing Tiffany.  I know that people can't read my mind but the sense of isolation from family and friends is quite intense.  This makes for a very lonely existence and I'm quite tired of being "strong".  I'm wondering where family and friends are when you need them.  Makes a good case for being alone...or becoming a hermit.

Who Tiffany Was: Part 3 - Sister

For some reason this part of the story is difficult to tell.  Of course, it started in March of 1987 with the birth of Tiffany and Troy stepped into the shoes of an older brother.  He was a loving brother right from the start.  That was a bit surprising since he was an only child for over 3 years and very close to me.  But perhaps it was because she was a girl.  I really suspect it was because Troy just had a natural affinity for children, even at that young an age.

 But for whatever reason, he never showed any jealousy towards Tiffany and she seamlessly became an integral part of the tight-knit threesome that we made up.  There was really nothing that we didn't do together in those early years.  I would take the children shopping, we would go to camp and sit by the lake, we would play games and watch TV...just some of the many activities that we did as a family.

When I got a job in CT, of course, Troy and Tiffany came, too.  It was where I bought them their first Nintendo game system and they spent hours together playing Mario and Zelda.  It was also at this time, in 1989, that I bought the 50th Anniversary edition of the "Wizard of Oz" and an obsession was born.  I often wonder if Troy got as tired of watching that movie as I did.  Although maybe not, since he was a kid, and what kid didn't like the "Wizard of Oz"?

We had many adventures there.  We lived in a steel house, one of the few of its kind, in North Haven, CT.  It was here that the infamous "milk" incident occurred, the truth of which didn't come out for many years after but which gave us many laughs afterwards.  We traveled back to New York quite frequently during those days, where Troy and Tiffany had opportunities to play with friends, but the best was, we were always together.

After a while, we moved back to New York and the children re-acclimated themselves as if they never left.  That first summer we were back, I was on a leave of absence from work so I watched 2 of their dear friends while their mother worked and those kids were the best buddies ever.  After that, I was fortunate to get them into a Magnet school and when it was time for Tiffany to enter Kindergarten, she was able to go to the same school as Troy where he could keep a brotherly eye on her.  And when we moved to a new house and they entered a new school, he still continued to look out for her.

Of course, I can remember times, very vividly, as they got a little older, when they would bicker and tease each other endlessly and I thought I was going to go crazy.  But that didn't stop Tiffany from joining Pop Warner as a cheerleader and following in Troy's Pop Warner footsteps once she knew that he was going to play football.  They even did soccer as well, although Tiffany's heart wasn't in that sport and she quit after a while.  But despite the bickering and fighting, they looked out for one another.  No girl was ever good enough for Troy and boys needed to watch out for big brother!

As they grew, we took a lot of trips together.  We went to Disneyland in California and stopped at Malibu Beach, took a trip to Tennessee and Dollywood, to name just a couple.  It was in Dollywood where Tiffany had one of her worst tantrums ever and I was at a loss as to what to do with her.  Every child has these incidents but I'm sure Troy wanted to just disassociate himself entirely from his sister.  But somehow he was always patient with her.

I think Tiffany thought that Troy was always going to stay in the area, always be a part of our life here in the Northeast.  When he decided to go to UNC Charlotte, I believe that Tiffany felt in her heart that he was not ever coming back.  Especially when he met someone quite soon after he started his first semester there.  Of course, it didn't help that it was around this time that she broke up with her high school boyfriend, graduated early from high school and went to Marist College and hated it.  For despite their early squabbles, they were really quite close and she missed him terribly.  They had been together for so long, it's not surprising.  In fact, Troy himself mentioned that he didn't realize how much they were together when they were growing up until she was gone.  When she graduated from college, she made sure that Troy was there to share her special day...nothing less than his presence would do.

Even after the debacle when Troy told me about her eating disorder, I know she longed for the closeness that the three of us had had for all those early, growing-up years.  She often mourned the fact that Troy lived so far away and that he had what she called another "family" with Kelly.  Even though I told her that we would always be Troy's family, no matter what, it seemed to hurt her tremendously that we weren't together.  Nothing I could say would comfort her.  And when Troy got married, it seemed almost more than she could bear.  For in her eyes, he now really had a new family.

Troy was a wonderful brother to Tiffany and a stand-in father figure.  He listened to her problems at all hours of the day and night, offered her advice, practiced tough love and the opposite as well...all in an effort to support her and help her and love her.  Did he always succeed in his efforts?  Well, who could?  He did the best he knew how.  He worried about her, agonized over decisions he made and did what he thought was right.  He was the best brother Tiffany could ever have had...that any sister could possibly have had.

I will never forget when I had to tell Troy, that Saturday night in June, that Tiffany was gone.  The sheer and utter anguish and torment in his response tore my heart even further apart than it already was.  Not only was my daughter gone from this earth, but my son, her loving brother, was brought to his knees in desolation.  As his sobs filled my ears from 800 miles away, I could not imagine how the human spirit could endure what we had to face ahead.  But Troy was my rock, steadfast and true, as he had been for his sister.  The light of his love, and that of Kelly and Hunter, shines bright over me, as does Tiffany's from the heavens above.

Troy's Eulogy to his sister, with love...

Dear Tiff,

Where do I begin?  There are no words to describe the pain I feel now and forever.  My only sister has left me, left me longing for answers; answers to what a great life you would have led, answers that will never come.  I keep imagining all of the good times we would have had.  I picture you perfect and healthy, and telling Kelly and I how we should raise Hunter.  I think of the moment when he would say your name for the first time.  I see you at your wedding; you have finally found the man you were always longing for.  I dream of dancing with you there, you crying on my shoulder with tears of joy.  I imagine you having a baby, being hesitant at first but when you look at that little girl (it was always a little girl) you got so protective of her and she changed you.  Don’t you see?  You were capable of so much more.

Growing up together are the memories that I cherish most of all; all of the holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.  Christmas morning when you were always waking me up to go open presents; birthdays where you would always unwrap my gifts before I could; and even at your graduation when you outdid me again, I was still so proud.  And don’t forget about “The Wizard of Oz”; I can remember how much you loved it growing up.  You watched the video so much that the reels literally fell off.  If you only knew how much we all loved and watched you, Tiff. Well, today our reels have fallen off.

I still can’t believe it when I walked into your apartment on this past Monday morning.  I saw the picture of you and me dancing at my wedding.  There were tears falling from your face as they fall from mine now; you were so sad that day, so sad that I was moving on to another chapter in my life.  During our dance you told me how much you had missed me since I was gone.  I quickly told you that I missed you too but that you couldn’t cry because you would mess up your beautiful makeup.  You laughed, and for this brief, amazing moment captured in time, I can always see you as you truly were, my beautiful loving sister.

As I searched your apartment for every piece of you, I found the Patron tequila bottle Kelly and I gave you for your 21^st birthday.  I collapsed to the floor clutching the bottle as I wanted to clutch you; I cried in agony hoping it wasn’t true.  But, I didn’t forget what you said to me when you got it in the mail, you said, “Do you really think I can drink that whole thing?” 

I keep searching for ways to find peace but can’t.  Although, I will tell you that I find some comfort in knowing you were still coming to Charlotte despite what your stupid brother said.  You were coming to Charlotte to start anew, to start a life you always wanted, to take the first step in reuniting us all again in a place of happiness.

Tiff, you, I know now, are an angel.  You were troubled in this life despite the mind and body you were given but all the while you were disguised as an angel just wanting to go back home.  I believe the people that have the hardest time in this life are the ones that have seen heaven and compared it without even knowing it.  It saddens me to know that you are home now looking down on us, telling us to move on from this but I’m sorry, I can’t ever get past losing you.

Over the last days, I have seen the outpouring of love everyone has for you.  You touched so many lives during the precious moments you gave us.  You helped so many, so many cope with what you couldn’t.  I wish you could see now what you didn’t see then, that those around you loved you, needed you, and will forever remember you. 

Tiff, I need to tell you one last thing before I go; you once asked me if I was ashamed of you.  Well, lil sis, I’m not ashamed, I’m proud to call you my sister, I’m happy to say I love you, I’m devastated to say I miss you, and we all are screaming that this world will never be the same without you.

I love you, I miss you,

Troy

Stages of Grief

About a week and a half ago, I went to a talk that was being held by the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention.  It was called Complicated Grief: Bereavement after Suicide Loss and I thought it would be something that would be helpful in my grieving journey over the loss of Tiffany.  What I learned was something unexpected and eye-opening.

The lecture was given by Dr. Natalia Skritskaya, Ph.D. from the Center for Complicated Grief.  During the presentation, I learned that there are stages of grief.  There's acute grief and integrated grief, and along with both of those stages, is mourning.

The first stage or process of bereavement, acute grief, is defined as the initial reaction to loss, which differs from bereavement or mourning.  It may present physical symptoms such as shortness of breath and a tightness of breath in addition to emotional, spiritual and behavioral responses.

Acute Grief Responses

As one processes acute grief into integrated grief or abiding grief, the deceased can easily be called to mind, often with associated sadness and longing.  During the transition from acute to integrated grief, usually beginning within the first few months of the death, the wounds begin to heal, and the bereaved person finds his or her way back to a fulfilling life.  The reality and meaning of the death are assimilated and the bereaved are able to engage once again in pleasurable and satisfying relationships and activities.  Even though the grief has been integrated, they do not forget the people they lost, relinquish their sadness nor do they stop missing their loved ones.  The loss becomes integrated into autobiographical memory and the thoughts and memories of the deceased are no longer preoccupying or disabling.  Unlike acute grief, integrated grief does not persistently preoccupy the mind or disrupt other activities.  However, there may be periods when the acute grief reawakens.  This can occur around the time of significant events, such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, another loss, or a particularly stressful time.

Grief & Bereavement

And then there is mourning, which is defined in Wikipedia in the simplest sense, as synonymous with grief over the death of someone.  The word is also used to describe a cultural complex of behaviors in which the bereaved participate or are expected to participate.  Customs vary between different cultures and evolve over time, though many core behaviors remain constant.  Wearing black clothes is one practice followed in many countries, though other forms of dress are also seen.  Those most affected by the loss of a loved one often observe a period of grieving, marked by withdrawal from social events and quiet, respectful behavior.  People may also follow certain religious traditions for such occasions.

What I also learned is that there is another stage of grief.  A state of being, if you will, that I was totally unaware of called complicated grief.  This is an intense and long-lasting form of grief that takes over a person’s life.  It is natural to experience acute grief after someone close dies, but complicated grief is different.  Complicated grief is a form of grief that takes hold of a person’s mind and won’t let go.  People with complicated grief often say that they feel “stuck.”

What is Complicated Grief?

The term “complicated” refers to factors that interfere with the natural healing process.   These factors include:

• Strong feelings of yearning or longing for the person who died
• Feeling intensely lonely, even when other people are around
• Strong feelings of anger or bitterness related to the death
• Feeling like life is empty or meaningless without the person who died
• Thinking so much about the person who died that it interferes with doing things or with relationships with other people (rumination)
• Strong feelings of disbelief about the death or finding it very difficult to accept the death
• Feeling shocked, stunned, dazed or emotionally numb
• Finding it hard to care about or to trust other people
• Feeling very emotionally or physically activated when confronted with reminders of the loss
• Avoiding people, places, or things that are reminders of the loss
• Strong urges to see, touch, hear, or smell things to feel close to the person who died

They have also learned that there are certain types of people who are probably at a heightened risk:

• women appear to be more susceptible than men
• people who are vulnerable to mood or anxiety disorders
• those who had a difficult relationship with their parents growing up
• losing a loved one in a sudden, violent way

Most people who have complicated grief have lost someone very important with whom they have had a positive, rewarding relationship.  Most commonly it’s a child or a romantic partner.

For parents, the death of a child may be the most difficult experience a person ever faces.  Parents begin to care for a child as early as conception as they imagine what the child will be like.  Taking good care of a child is often the most important thing in a parent’s life.   A child’s death triggers feelings of care-giving failure.  The loss of a child can sever a parent's feeling of connection to the future.  Losing a child can feel to parents like losing a part of themselves.

And grief can sometimes be further complicated when a loved one dies by suicide since survivors almost always blame themselves.

I walked out of that room that day and realized that I had not moved forward very far on that path I trod, that road of grief, at all.  I have let Tiffany's death define me for the last three years in many, many ways.  That's not to say that I haven't made any strides toward healing but that I get to a certain point past which I can't seem to progress.  Then I slide back to all those overwhelming feelings of grief and anguish and the process starts all over again.  So now I need to commit to moving past the roadblock in my mind and it is my hope that this blog will help me accomplish that task.

Yesterday, I read something that really hit home.  I've included the link below.  In this article, the author talks about agony and strength.  She puts into words what has been going through my mind but that I could never verbalize.  And that is that the agony and pain of Tiffany's death will never end -- it will be mine until the day I leave this earth.  And that as much as I think that I can't do this day in and day out, I have and I will.  I really have no choice.  But most significantly, when people tell me how strong I am, it is not from being strong at all.  As the author says, "there is no strong when it comes to the death of a child".  And she's right.  It's not about being strong; it has nothing to do with being strong.  It's all about perseverance and putting one foot in front of the other day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.  And unfortunately, one would have to experience this type of loss, this kind of pain, to understand.

Suicide, Our Children and Grief

Prom...10 Years Later

It was ten years ago this weekend, or close to it, that Tiffany went to her Junior Prom.  Thirteen years ago that Troy went to his Junior Prom and the next year, to a friend's prom.  I remember those days so fondly and long for them so dearly.

 

So those times have been on my mind all week...since I had my hair cut last Friday and a young girl was having her hair done at the salon for a local school prom.  Penny and I reminisced about all those years ago, eleven years ago actually, when Tiffany had her hair styled for her boyfriend's Junior Prom.  Oh, I remember so well how Tiffany was quite upset at that time about her weight and her dress and her hair.  She had gained weight and the dress that fit so perfectly when she bought it in January no longer fit when she went to pick it up.  She was forced to get another size but fortunately, the store, Apropos, then in Amsterdam, had one in her new size in stock.  And when the day of the prom arrived, I convinced her to wear her hair up when she wanted to wear it down, so it was all a disaster in her eyes.

Yet, when it came down to the wire on that prom day, she looked like a fairy tale Princess.  Yes, she had put on a little weight but it wasn't a whole lot.  There she stood in that blue Cinderella ball gown, stunning in her beauty...truly like royalty.

 

The following year was her own Junior Prom.  This time she was determined to do things differently...her way or the highway, as I like to think.  She wasn't going to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress from a prom shop or wedding salon like she had the year before, even though that had totally been her decision.  Over the past year, she had trimmed her figure down so she was going to find something that was flattering to her body.  We both always loved the prom dresses that Cache, in Colonie Center at the time, had so we made that our first stop.  She tried on several dresses there and she was lucky enough to find one that had surely been made for her.  It was black, beaded all over -- sophisticated style all the way. In addition, it was substantially less money and I even had a coupon to use.  What could be better?  So she ending up buying the dress and she was pleased as a peach.

Just as she had definite ideas about her dress, she had firm ideas about her hairstyle.  No up-do for her this time around.  It was going to be ringlets all the way around with the hair on the crown of her head pulled back...this was her favorite style.  And we found such a spectacular, sparkling barrette for her hair.  Of course, it didn't matter what style she wore, she could pull off just about anything.  Do you suspect I might be a proud mama?

 What a gorgeous picture she made that day in 2004!  She looked so sleek, sophisticated and mature.  Everyone met at her friend's house nearby for pictures and they were all so beautiful and handsome.  Everything was going along fine until a mini-disaster struck!  Tiffany must have snagged her dress on something and all of a sudden beads started to literally drop off her dress.  When I noticed, I tried to find the thread that was the culprit so I could tie it off but that got Tiffany in one of her moods and she started to stress out.  I think we finally got the flood of falling beads stopped and she went on to have great fun that night, thank goodness.  A co-worker of mine was actually the videographer for that prom and I received extra magnets as souvenirs which I've kept as mementos all these years.  Princess Tiffany, for sure!  There's no doubt each and every one of the girls look like they had a fantastic night...

Of course, there's nothing as exciting as that first prom but this one certainly had its special moments.  Moments that I'll never forget and that will live on in my memory forever.  Even ten years later, I can remember certain things so vividly and I try to hold them close and dear to my heart, never to let them go.  As a remembrance of the gift of Tiffany's short life.

 

  

 

  

 

 

Tiffany's Serenity Garden

The Weeping Cherry is in bloom, Tiffany.  I think this one's going to make it just fine.  And soon after, it will be the Flowering Dogwood that will be blooming, along with the other perennials I chose so carefully for the front of the house and around the trees where your Serenity Garden sits.  All made possible from the generosity of so many people who gave in your memory.

I think I've nearly completed the task I set myself two years ago...to create a place of peace and serenity at the house where you spent 16 years of your life.  I'll know for sure when spring wanes and summer begins to make itself known in all its warmth and glory.  Then I will see if the plants I carefully nurtured survived this tough winter.  I think you'll be happy, Tiffany, with what's been done in the place where so many family pictures were taken throughout those years.

Tiffany and her Grandmother at her HS Graduation - 2005

What once was just a barren area around the trees is now filled with roses, hydrangeas and other flowering perennials.  There's now a bench, a flower stand for a potted plant and when the weather is warmer, a beautiful hibiscus and bougainvillea that survived nicely in the family room with the new southern facing windows.  We've even added angels to represent you and Jordan and other lost babies.  And to cap everything off, it is all surrounded by a low stone half-wall, brick edging and a brick pathway from the sidewalk in front of the house.  Perfect in every way.

Last year we took it another step further by enclosing the base of the evergreen tree.  As I placed the bench that sat on the porch for so many years and had most recently been part of your garden, a neighbor walked by and remarked at what a tranquil setting it made.  This gave me the idea to expand on the theme of tranquility and the results were all I could hope for.  I added wire plant stands, a beautiful angel and a cart to hold more plants.  And best of all, a bird bath!

The final piece of the plan I hope to finish this year.  The key to that plan is the new patio by the pool.  We hope to have a fountain as the centerpiece, if possible, to honor you.  I remember how much you loved that pool -- sunning on the lounge chairs, swimming with friends, playing with Emmitt, floating in the pool and much more.  I think even the pool misses you...

 There were no butterflies last year nor birds this year but I hope somehow you'll find your way to visit us, give us a sign or simply flutter and flit through the gardens of peace, serenity and tranquility.