I have told this story many times over but I have yet to put it to paper. Perhaps the telling of the story will lay to rest some ghosts.
This part of the story begins on June 20, 2011. I arrived back in CT at Tiffany's apartment from Charlotte where I had gone for Hunter's first birthday. I had been with her for 10 days and left from JFK to fly to Charlotte. I remember arriving in Stamford, calling to let her know I was there so she could let me in. Off she came from the elevator in her sweats, Riley at her side on his leash and her hair twisted up on top of her head. She seemed happy to see me and we spent the night watching TV and talking. I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her but then I realized that I had to be at the office on Friday to do exit interviews and mail out checks. So we decided that she would come home for the weekend so that she could co-sign the lease for the new car as the old lease was up. I got up that Tuesday morning to see her off to work. She was beautiful in her navy polka dot silk skirt, beige top and beige ballet flats. We hugged good-bye and that was the last time I saw her in this life.
I came back to NY and carried on with the week. At some point on Wednesday or Thursday, Tiffany said that it would work better for her if she came the following Tuesday to do the car. That was fine with me and she was also going to have an opportunity to see Ryan. On Friday, June 24, I completed the interviews and paperwork. After work, I went to a friend's house for dinner and some wine.
We had finished dinner and were enjoying wine and conversation when at 10:30 pm my phone rang. It was Tiffany and she was sobbing so hard I couldn't understand what she was saying. Apparently she had had a text exchange with a family member that had really upset her. She told me the gist of it and then she hung up the phone. I tried to call her back but she wouldn't answer. I finally texted her to answer her phone but got no reply. My last text to her, which she never read, was "I love you more than life itself". I sat there stunned and petrified. I started to cry and told my friend I was afraid something would happen to Tiffany and that if she were to die, I don't know how I would go on. I can't tell you why these thoughts went through my head or what it was that triggered it.
My immediate response was to get in my car and drive to Stamford. My friend tried to convince me not to do that but it was the call from Ryan that made me decide not to. He had spoken with Tiffany and was about 75% certain he had calmed her down. We decided not to call the police so as not to embarrass Tiffany since she had been through this situation a few times before. She promised him she would not do anything and they made arrangements to touch base on the phone around midnight. When Ryan couldn't reach her at the agreed-upon time on either of her phones, he called me. By this time I was home and I was torn about what to do. It seemed to us that it would be best to wait because now her work phone was on but she wasn't answering it. Throughout the rest of the night and through the morning I kept calling but her personal cell was off and she didn't answer her work cell.
On Saturday, June 25, I was in constant touch with Ryan and our best explanation was that she was out therapy shopping; although why her personal cell wouldn't be on was a puzzle. I got the phone number for her friend, Elyse, to ask her if she had been in touch with Tiffany. She said she hadn't talked to Tiffany in a while so I called the apartment complex. I convinced the woman at the complex to go to Tiffany's room to check on her. She called me back about 11 am to say that everything looked fine. The TV was on and that Duke was in the living room. The TV being on seemed strange to me but what I could do from 2 hrs away? The crux of the matter here was that the woman did not go any further into the apartment than the kitchen and Tiffany's bedroom was around the corner.
By 3:00 pm, I was completely frantic. I made arrangements to rent a car since my lease was up and by 6:00 pm I was in the car with Riley on the way to Stamford. Riley sat in the passenger seat curled up as I drove the more than 2 hrs to Stamford. I can remember Katy Perry's "Firework" playing on the radio and Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years". To this day, the songs that played on the radio during that horrible drive resonate with me whenever I hear them.
I arrived in Stamford around 8:30 pm and when I got to the apartment complex, I was able to get in as someone was coming out. I had given Tiffany her apartment key back so I had no other option. I went to her apartment on the 6th floor and knocked endlessly on the door, calling her name. I could hear that the TV was still on and I could only assume she wasn't there or she was sleeping. I went back outside to see if I could see into her apartment. There was light on in the living room, the blinds were half-way down as she normally kept them and I knew the TV was on. However, the bedroom was dark and the blinds were pulled all the way down which was not normal. Then I went looking for her Jeep and I found it parked in front of the building. Then I knew that she had to be in her apartment and I was scared to death.
I was torn as to what to do so I called her father but he really wasn't very helpful. I was so afraid and said to him, "for all I know she could be dead in her bed". Little did I know how true that was that was going to prove to be. The concierge wasn't there but there was a number to call. I called and explained the situation and desperate I was. The woman from the complex came to meet me and we (including Riley) went up to Tiffany's apartment. We walked in and she said to me, see everything's exactly how it was earlier today. I could see that there was a glass of what looked like orange juice on the kitchen counter. I walked further into the apartment, calling Tiffany's name. I turned to the right towards her bedroom. To this day I can't remember if the light on her nightstand was on but I can remember seeing her laying on her bed, covered by her comforter and her hair sticking out from under the comforter.
I walked into her bedroom and went up to the bed. I pulled the comforter away from her head and there she lay on her right side as she were peacefully sleeping. She was in her sweatpants, a tank top and her fuzzy robe. I knew from one look at her that she had left this mortal coil. Her face was colorless with small bruises around her eyes. I touched her cold and stiff shoulder, shook it and called her name in the deepest of despair. I started to scream, "Oh my God, she's dead!! SHE'S DEAD!". I ran into the bathroom, back to the bedroom, pacing around the room, went back up to her to touch her to see if it were a dream. But it was all too real. The poor woman grabbed me and said, "No, she isn't. We'll call 911".
During all this, Riley obviously sensed that something was wrong and sat on her couch and I sat on one of her bar stools, completely numb and in utter anguish and shock. The EMTs and police came. They found 2 large empty bottles of wine in the garbage that had been purchased at 7:00 pm Friday night, as well as empty prescription bottles in the bathroom. An EMT came out of the closed bedroom and approached me. I looked at him and said, "Please, please tell me that she isn't dead". "I'm sorry", he said and I knew it was true. The police asked me questions but what they were, I can no longer recall. I do know they looked at her cell phone and asked about the text exchange. But when I got the phone back, that text exchange was gone from the phone.
Finally, it came time for me to leave so that they could transport Tiffany to the morgue. I asked if I could see her one last time but they said that I couldn't. I also couldn't stay in her apartment and had to find a hotel. I was completely heartbroken and asked where they were taking her. She was going to Torrington which was a few hours away. I couldn't fathom how I was going to go on. The woman from the complex stayed with me the entire time, God bless her, and came with me to the hotel. The police had retrieved Duke from under her bed so I left him there and took Riley with me to the hotel. The woman stayed with me until Tiffany's father arrived, sometime around 4:30 am.
I was filled with such agony that I couldn't turn my brain off. Around 7:30 am on Sunday, I went to the hospital ER because I thought I was losing my mind. They put me in a bed, gave me something for my anxiety and had a pastor and psychiatrist come and talk to me. After I don't know how long, I went back to the hotel to wait for Troy's arrival and my brother, Ian, from Boston. They kept me somewhat sane that day. My brother went back to Boston that night and on Monday, Troy and I left for NY with Riley and Duke.
The next several days were a whirlwind of funeral arrangements, going through pictures for her video and collages, and closing up her apartment. On July 4, 2011, all her belongings were unpacked and put in my house. This nightmare chapter was ended but the devastation had just begun.
My 24-year old daughter, Tiffany, died on June 25, 2011. She loved many things but especially the "Wizard of Oz". This is her story, the gift of her life...as well as the chronicle of my path out of the "valley of the shadow of death".
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Living in the Aftermath
June 24, 2011 - what I can only refer to as my life as I knew it "Before". And June 25, 2011 is the day my nightmare began - the Aftermath.
Since that time, life has been an unending series of ups and downs. That first year, I was in that surreal, numb stage. It was like I was on auto-pilot and somehow I was able to get through the days with some semblance of normalcy. I don't know if I could say that I had any interest in living but I had many tasks to accomplish in which I could totally immerse myself. I was driven in so many ways; I lost a lot of weight, had a hardwood floor put down in my family room, painted the front of my house (never have gotten to the side and back), redid my kitchen (counter tops, floor, backsplash, walls), got a new front door, started Tiffany's serenity garden, replaced my dining room set and dishwasher and the list goes on.
Then towards the end of 2012, reality began to sink in. I started to put on weight, lost interest in the many things left that I wanted to accomplish. The only place I could function was at work but even there I didn't seem to be as tuned in as I thought. I tried to keep up my friendships but it was too hard for me to interact with people and many of them drifted away. 2012 turned into 2013 and I was faced with new challenges. My father's health began to fail so I began to get involved in working with his doctor's office to find a new protocol to treat his multiple myeloma. Up through June, I took him for his treatments, doctor's visits, blood transfusions, etc. Each time offered us the opportunity to have dinner afterwards during which we had wonderful conversations. However, by July, the treatment was not working and had to be stopped. Now it was just a matter of time. He moved to an assisted living facility an hour away but I visited him as often as I could. I met with the funeral director at my father's request to make the funeral arrangements in advance.
All this activity kept me occupied but by the end of September, things began to get more complicated. Paul ended up in the hospital twice and the second time coincided with my father's approaching death. In early October, my father passed away. Like with Tiffany's death, my daily job as her mother ended and my role as my father's daughter came to an end as well. Now, except for Paul and Troy, I was completely lost.
By 2014, I had turned my grief completely inward and threw myself into work. It was one of the few things that gave me purpose. I lost interest in so many things and the only thing I kept up with was Tiffany's serenity garden which I finished that year. Meanwhile, my depression, stress level and PTSD worsened, leading to the constant refrain in my head, "I don't want to be here". My weight continued to climb and my health began to suffer. I always had what I considered good health but in March, I ended up having a lumpectomy. The diagnosis wasn't entirely conclusive but the risks were above normal. In July, just as my grandson, Ryder, was born, I came down with shingles and in October and December, I had 2 bouts with bronchitis. I wondered what was going on and it was posed to me that perhaps I was wishing myself to death.
Maybe part of that is true. Maybe I was surrounded by "death energy". I didn't really care about much and spent my free time reading or on my iPad/Computer. Trying to get things done was a chore (no pun intended) that I couldn't be bothered with. I vowed to start 2015 concentrating on my health. I made a concerted effort to eat better and get more exercise. My focus on work paid off and I not only got a great rating but I also got a fantastic raise and a promotion to go with it. Things seemed to be improving until Feb when I needed to get another biopsy. Luckily that was negative. I made it through Tiffany's birthday and anniversary. I even went to Charlotte for Hunter's 5th birthday. Then one week after Tiffany's anniversary, I fell and broke my shoulder. I was in pain for 12 days and those summer days are lost forever. I started PT which helped and but after a visit to the oncologist, I began to be concerned with my Glucose level. I went to my family practitioner's office to have it looked at and the results came back that I am pre-diabetic. I thought, seriously, what could possibly come next? Only time will tell, at this point, I guess.
So now was the time to take action. I had thought that if I ate less and less, I would lose weight but it was the complete opposite. Things worsened for me to the point that one day I actually was seriously thinking about taking enough medication to take the pain away. Luckily I snapped out of it. That's not to say that those thoughts don't still stray through my mind. So I had to take myself in hand and drastically change the way I ate. By doing this, in 3 weeks, I have lost 7 lbs. I wish it were more but it's a start and I'm tired of having health problems. That's kind of ironic coming from someone who often wonders why they are still here.
I try very hard to control my regrets and not blame myself for what happened to Tiffany. I try not to ruminate, dwell on the "if onlys" and "what ifs" or let the stress get to me. Paul says that I don't talk about Tiffany as much anymore which is probably true because sometimes it just brings too much pain. But I think of her all the time. How could I not?
For those parents going through the loss of a child, I have no words of wisdom. I don't have any insights that can make it better and obviously I have not traveled very far in this journey of grief. You could even say that I am stuck. I spend a lot of time in therapy which helps until the next time I slip and slide back to where I was. I also spend a lot of time alone, working from home. I have only few friends now and I don't see any of them on a regular basis. I'm endlessly sad but try to put on a good front.
I have read a lot (and I do mean a lot) about grief and the loss of a child. And something I read yesterday I found to be quite profound. It makes me think that I need to find some purpose or way to honor and remember Tiffany. Like the man who planted 4 miles of wildflowers along his property line to honor his wife who loved wildflowers. Start something amazing! I hope I can take these words to heart, be kind to myself and move along this path of grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since that time, life has been an unending series of ups and downs. That first year, I was in that surreal, numb stage. It was like I was on auto-pilot and somehow I was able to get through the days with some semblance of normalcy. I don't know if I could say that I had any interest in living but I had many tasks to accomplish in which I could totally immerse myself. I was driven in so many ways; I lost a lot of weight, had a hardwood floor put down in my family room, painted the front of my house (never have gotten to the side and back), redid my kitchen (counter tops, floor, backsplash, walls), got a new front door, started Tiffany's serenity garden, replaced my dining room set and dishwasher and the list goes on.
Then towards the end of 2012, reality began to sink in. I started to put on weight, lost interest in the many things left that I wanted to accomplish. The only place I could function was at work but even there I didn't seem to be as tuned in as I thought. I tried to keep up my friendships but it was too hard for me to interact with people and many of them drifted away. 2012 turned into 2013 and I was faced with new challenges. My father's health began to fail so I began to get involved in working with his doctor's office to find a new protocol to treat his multiple myeloma. Up through June, I took him for his treatments, doctor's visits, blood transfusions, etc. Each time offered us the opportunity to have dinner afterwards during which we had wonderful conversations. However, by July, the treatment was not working and had to be stopped. Now it was just a matter of time. He moved to an assisted living facility an hour away but I visited him as often as I could. I met with the funeral director at my father's request to make the funeral arrangements in advance.
All this activity kept me occupied but by the end of September, things began to get more complicated. Paul ended up in the hospital twice and the second time coincided with my father's approaching death. In early October, my father passed away. Like with Tiffany's death, my daily job as her mother ended and my role as my father's daughter came to an end as well. Now, except for Paul and Troy, I was completely lost.
By 2014, I had turned my grief completely inward and threw myself into work. It was one of the few things that gave me purpose. I lost interest in so many things and the only thing I kept up with was Tiffany's serenity garden which I finished that year. Meanwhile, my depression, stress level and PTSD worsened, leading to the constant refrain in my head, "I don't want to be here". My weight continued to climb and my health began to suffer. I always had what I considered good health but in March, I ended up having a lumpectomy. The diagnosis wasn't entirely conclusive but the risks were above normal. In July, just as my grandson, Ryder, was born, I came down with shingles and in October and December, I had 2 bouts with bronchitis. I wondered what was going on and it was posed to me that perhaps I was wishing myself to death.
Maybe part of that is true. Maybe I was surrounded by "death energy". I didn't really care about much and spent my free time reading or on my iPad/Computer. Trying to get things done was a chore (no pun intended) that I couldn't be bothered with. I vowed to start 2015 concentrating on my health. I made a concerted effort to eat better and get more exercise. My focus on work paid off and I not only got a great rating but I also got a fantastic raise and a promotion to go with it. Things seemed to be improving until Feb when I needed to get another biopsy. Luckily that was negative. I made it through Tiffany's birthday and anniversary. I even went to Charlotte for Hunter's 5th birthday. Then one week after Tiffany's anniversary, I fell and broke my shoulder. I was in pain for 12 days and those summer days are lost forever. I started PT which helped and but after a visit to the oncologist, I began to be concerned with my Glucose level. I went to my family practitioner's office to have it looked at and the results came back that I am pre-diabetic. I thought, seriously, what could possibly come next? Only time will tell, at this point, I guess.
So now was the time to take action. I had thought that if I ate less and less, I would lose weight but it was the complete opposite. Things worsened for me to the point that one day I actually was seriously thinking about taking enough medication to take the pain away. Luckily I snapped out of it. That's not to say that those thoughts don't still stray through my mind. So I had to take myself in hand and drastically change the way I ate. By doing this, in 3 weeks, I have lost 7 lbs. I wish it were more but it's a start and I'm tired of having health problems. That's kind of ironic coming from someone who often wonders why they are still here.
I try very hard to control my regrets and not blame myself for what happened to Tiffany. I try not to ruminate, dwell on the "if onlys" and "what ifs" or let the stress get to me. Paul says that I don't talk about Tiffany as much anymore which is probably true because sometimes it just brings too much pain. But I think of her all the time. How could I not?
For those parents going through the loss of a child, I have no words of wisdom. I don't have any insights that can make it better and obviously I have not traveled very far in this journey of grief. You could even say that I am stuck. I spend a lot of time in therapy which helps until the next time I slip and slide back to where I was. I also spend a lot of time alone, working from home. I have only few friends now and I don't see any of them on a regular basis. I'm endlessly sad but try to put on a good front.
I have read a lot (and I do mean a lot) about grief and the loss of a child. And something I read yesterday I found to be quite profound. It makes me think that I need to find some purpose or way to honor and remember Tiffany. Like the man who planted 4 miles of wildflowers along his property line to honor his wife who loved wildflowers. Start something amazing! I hope I can take these words to heart, be kind to myself and move along this path of grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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