What Not To Wear

There once was a show called "What Not To Wear".  I don't know if it is still on but Tiffany loved to watch that show.  I'm not into reality shows at all but every so often I would watch that one with her.  That was back in the quiet days when she lived at home during her graduate year of college.

Well, Tiffany really wanted to get onto that show.  She truly didn't need fashion help because she always had an innate fashion style of her own.  She just lacked confidence in her own ability to put it all together, along with a lot of baggage that never went away.  So of course, she turned to me to try to help her get on the show and I, as always, was happy to do it.

Now Tiffany couldn't look bad on her worst day and wasn't even close to a fashion disaster but throughout her college days, she did tend to spend a lot of time in sweatshirts, jeans and sweats.  She also had body image issues which didn't help.  To achieve her goal, she gathered pictures that showed this trend and I put together a "business case" as to why she should be chosen for the show.

Obviously, Tiffany wasn't chosen but the experience was fun and in retrospect, I'm so sad and disappointed that I wasn't able to make it happen for her.  I think it could have done her a world of good and helped with some of her social anxieties but alas, it was not to be.  But honestly, she was just too beautiful for that show.

WhatNotToWear@bbcnyproduction.com

Tiffany Gallo

Age: 22

Size: 0-2

Height: 5’1”

Occupation: Tax Accountant/Preparer

Marital Status: Single

Location: Niskayuna, NY

Personality:

Generous and Thoughtful: Tiffany has always been generous and thoughtful towards others.  Whether it is giving away her clothes to her boyfriend’s young relatives, offering her help when visiting friends during holidays or breaks or helping her dad take care of his home during a very lengthy absence overseas for his work, Tiffany is always willing to do what she can to assist.

Reserved, Sweet, yet Stubborn:  Despite being reserved and shy, Tiffany has a core of sweetness within that draws people to her.  However, at the same time, she has a stubborn streak that comes out when she feels she is right.

Down-to-Earth, Logical, and Rational:  Tiffany has her feet planted firmly in reality.  This view has allowed her to set goals and make plans that aren’t just pipe-dreams.  In addition, she is known for coming up with clever and unique ideas on how to accomplish things that may seemingly be difficult to deal with.

Hard Working and Dedicated: Tiffany is a very hard-working young woman. When she gets something into her head she goes after it. This can be shown through the extremely hard work and dedication she put into school and work. She just graduated in May from college with her Masters in Taxation that she completed in only four years with honors while working two jobs, as well as graduating early from high school. Currently she is studying for her CPA exam. All of this time spent working very hard in school/jobs has resulted in her attaining the successful job she has always wanted with one of the big four accounting firms.  

Style:

            Tiffany really wants her style to be sophisticated-chic. However, even with the best of intentions, she always seems to end up looking like she is going to the gym. If you saw her, she would have her hair pulled back into a ponytail and every inch of her would be covered up. She would be wearing black yoga pants, sandals that are falling apart or Uggs (ugh), and a sweatshirt/jacket. Even if she is wearing a shirt or top, she always has a tank top underneath, no matter what the occasion.  It’s a staple clothing item like a bra and panties. And it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is; it could be summer and she still would be wearing a sweatshirt wherever she goes. I can even remember a time when she was younger and going to summer camp, her camp counselor mentioned something to me about her always wearing pants and a sweatshirt even when it was so hot.

            Fortunately, when she does have to go in to work, she wears something other than her sweatshirt (thank goodness!).  Except for the fact that her outfits for work usually consist of a boring solid color cardigan sweater or top, black work pants, and flats with no accessories or makeup.  This is all very frustrating because she loves makeup and does a great job when she takes the time to put any on.  As far as jewelry is concerned, well, what can I say - it’s boring.  All she wears is a simple silver chain, studs for her ears and a silver ring.  And I can’t stress enough that if you were to look in her closet, you would see that it consists of countless sweaters and dark dress pants for work, and sweatshirts, sweatpants, or jeans for anything else. She does have numerous shoes (many of which she has not worn more than once) and plenty of clothes that still have the tags on them.

            I would say Tiffany feels her sweatshirt is her safety blanket and if she can’t have that, she uses a cardigan as a substitute. She can only go out if she is covered. I think it’s time for her safety blanket to be taken away from her so she can fully enjoy life and dress in style for all to see and enjoy.

 Reason for nomination:

            While Tiffany may not be your typical What Not to Wear fashion disaster, she could be considered a disaster of another kind.  I would have to call Tiffany the “Queen of Returns” and brings this talent/skill to new levels (and it’s not just clothing, either).  Tiffany has been buying clothes in preparation for her new job; however, of all the clothes she buys, she only keeps the items she is accustomed to and comfortable with. If she does buy anything stylish, when she gets home, she begins to doubt that what she bought is the right choice.  Back and forth she goes with her inner debate until she finally decides she doesn’t “need” the item and returns it.  If for some reason, she does decide to keep it, it ends up hanging in her closet with the tags on until it is finally out of fashion and time to give it away.

            As a result, she needs help creating outfits and accessorizing because she doesn’t know how to do this with the clothes that she buys. Her outfits end up being lackluster and they do not show her youthful age. Her style ends up looking more conservative than she would like and makes her seems years older (when all she wants is to embrace a young attractive style that will make her happy).  What it comes down to is that the outfits she chooses are ones that cover up her petite frame because she is uncomfortable with the way she looks. This uncomfortable feeling she has with her size and style is left over from when she was a young girl. When she was younger she had weight issues and was a little bit heavy for her age. Consequently, I think she has always seen herself at this weight and this is the reason why she covers up and does not like to show off her body.

            Right now, she’s stuck wearing what she wore in college; a wardrobe that mainly consisted of stretch pants, baggy sweatshirts and when she goes anywhere, you can forget about any make-up. If she does attempt to dress up, she always keeps on her jacket to cover up. Furthermore, the majority of her clothes are black, white, grey, and navy blue. In those colors she feels she will just blend in with the crowd (although inside you can tell she was born to shine, and desperately wants to do just that).

            In addition, she is having a hard time with her short hair - she just recently cut her hair off and donated it. So now she only will wear her hair back in a ponytail. She needs to learn how to style a shoulder length cut because her hair has been very long for the past 8 years. I really want her to develop some self-assurance so that when she moves away from home to her new job, she will be able use that and have self-confidence. This new poise could help her have a presence in her new job and outside of work. Normally Tiffany would hide in the background, when she really should be standing out in the crowd. As her mom, I just want her to be able to have all of the pieces she needs to start this new stage in her life and the only piece that is missing is her style and comfort with the way she looks.

            So even though Tiffany is not your typical fashion disaster, I think Tiffany would bring something new and different because, unlike most of those featured on the show, she has a real passion for fashion. She is always reading fashion magazines, watching style shows and attempting to buy clothes that are fashionable - she just doesn’t know how to put the outfits together with the right accessories and doesn’t have the confidence needed to wear them. She needs to be shown how to put together outfits with the clothes she has purchased and incorporate the right or missing pieces to finish off her outfits. This polish will create a stylish look for her to wear during this new phase in her life.

            Ever since “What Not to Wear” arrived, she has been an avid viewer and has always dreamed of getting on the show. I want to be able to give Tiffany something she has always dreamed of because since becoming an adult, she has taken on numerous responsibilities. In the last several years, Tiffany and our family have gone through some difficult times and she has come out with her head held high. I want her to be able to do extremely well and succeed. This opportunity would mean everything to Tiffany and provide her with the tools she needs to do that. I cannot express how much she means to me and with everything she has done for me, I want to be able to do something special for her in return.  I want to try to make her “wish come true”!

Upcoming events: Starting first job with one of the big four accounting firms and moving away from home in October to Stamford, CT. 

Who knew that the "event" she was so looking forward to would come to such a sad end?

Who Tiffany Was: Part 2 - Relationships

What traumatic events drive a 12 year-old young girl to start purging? Is it really because girls at school were making fun of her? Is it because someone called her an elephant when she was in 4th grade? Or because a family member teased her as they will do or someone even closer to her told her she didn't need to eat something she particularly liked?

Could it have been deeper than that? Did the fact that her father traveled about 80% of the year play a factor in her development, exacerbating her fear of abandonment?  Was the divorce of her parents at age 14 another critical factor in her personality development?

They say that Borderline Personality Disorder can be caused by childhood trauma.  It is also said to be inherited, especially if a first degree relative has schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.  While there are certainly members of the family whose mental health is questionable, none that close have been diagnosed with either disorder.  But, no doubt, life was not smooth with her father gone and then her parents divorced.  Of course, BPD is not diagnosed until the person reaches age 18 since they say the personality is still developing.  So one wonders -- does the eating disorder disturb the brain chemicals to such a degree as to bring the onset of BPD?  Or is BPD, caused by some childhood trauma, the underlying cause for the eating disorder?  Quite a conundrum...

So what does this have to do with Tiffany's relationships?  Well, in this area of her life, they were surprisingly stable.  Interestingly, they were few.  Two of the three lasted for a significant length of time.  And they all had a loving family unit that was intact, unaffected by divorce.  In each of these families, Tiffany was considered a member of the family, like a daughter.  She spent a considerable amount of time with each family over the relationship period and they all came to love her like their own.  As her mother, I was overjoyed to see her get along so well, to see her happy.  In the beginning of her first relationship, I knew there was an underlying sadness about her but didn't know about her bulimia yet.  But while I was delighted to see her fit in so well with these families, I also felt hurt that she wanted to spend more time with her boyfriends' families than her own.  What could I do but say to myself that I had to deal with it and do whatever made her happy?

Her first relationship lasted a little more than 2 years.  She spent every free moment with her boyfriend and his family, and she seemed very contented.  I remember how she talked about the future and how they would get married after college.  I guess all young girls do that with their first "love".  She was a cheerleader and he, a football player.  She joined the family on vacation and worked on their farm, always wanting to help out.  She would help make doughnuts and kissing balls and I'm sure she tried to be a bit bossy as she had a tendency to be.  That was so much what Tiffany was about.  But, alas, things changed when he went away to college and she stayed behind in high school.  Their relationship couldn't be maintained and they broke up.  I'll never forget that October day as long as I live and how out of control she was with grief.  She tried to keep the relationship going but by November there was nothing she could do.  She lay on my bed that night -- Election Day, I think -- and told me it was over and all I could do was hold her and comfort her, my heart breaking for her and her pain.

For the next year, her weight plummeted but I figured that was to be expected.  When she started college the following August, she seemed to have recovered her spirits and that first day in the dorms, she met the boy who would be her boyfriend for the next 4 years.  From the outside looking in, it was a very stable, loving relationship.  They did so many things together, from weddings to family gatherings to holidays to school to parties - you name it.  She spent time with his parents and his family doing many of these things and grew close to them as well.  And I can remember so vividly her gathering clothes that she no longer wanted or that no longer fit because she was determined to give them to a young relative.  That was just like Tiffany.  

I knew about the eating disorder by this time but she seemed to have it under control, as well as the early binge drinking during freshman year.  It was also during these years that she took part in the weddings of two of her first boyfriend's siblings.  Even though no longer together, she still meant so much to the family.  These were the quiet, happy years...at least for her loved ones.

That's not to say there wasn't any drama during that time.  There were still worries about her health...visits to doctors and therapists.  She started to see nutritionists, as well, as she really tried to focus on eating better and exercising right.  But she seemed content living on campus despite some roommate troubles at first, seemingly bonding well with her boyfriend and his friends, in addition to her suitemates and people she worked with.  Yet, she was still driven, striving for perfection, hard on herself and unforgiving of her own perceived imperfections and mistakes.   However, I think having her family and friends close by kept her grounded, enabling her to manage her emotions.  She went on to graduate from college early and attend graduate school, all in 4 years time.  She saw her brother get married to the girl of his dreams on a beautiful September day just one short year before moving to Stamford.  Life was good then.

After Troy got married, Tiffany went to graduate school, spent much of her spare time with her boyfriend and prepared for the next phase of her life.  It's hard to remember now but I thought she would find a job close to her boyfriend's hometown but that didn't happen.  After helping Tiffany to weigh all the pros and cons, Stamford won out as the location of choice and sometime in the months before she started her job, Tiffany and her boyfriend decided to break up.  Looking back, I guess she decided that long-distance relationships were too difficult to maintain, having had first-hand experience in this area.

In October 2009, Tiffany moved to Stamford to start her new job.  I encouraged her to concentrate on getting acclimated to her job, making new friends and discovering who she was without a boyfriend in her life.  All good in theory, I guess.  However, as with college, she met someone practically the first day she started on the job and although she probably tried to keep herself an arm's length away, well, I'm sure it didn't do any good.  Who could resist her?

I know she had a lot of fun in those first few months in Stamford before things went south.  Work seemed good -- she walked to and from the job every day, she was going out with friends, meeting in the bars...just having fun.  Then after January 2010, I think things changed.  She started to see someone which was good but she started to drink too much which was bad.  She didn't know how to stop at one...it was all or nothing.  So she felt that people were judging her, I'm sure, and her roommate problems got worse.  By March, she knew she was in trouble.  I know she confided in her boyfriend who was very supportive.  His family was very taken with Tiffany and they all went on vacation to Orlando together.  She even went on a cruise with her boyfriend where they had a wonderful time.  Back in Stamford, she spent a lot of time with him because it was very difficult for her to go to her apartment under the circumstances but he had roommates also.  I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her to feel like she didn't truly belong anywhere...almost like a transient.  At the same time, she was also her own worst enemy; self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling, unable to believe that what she had would last.

Because what she feared the most did happen.  In June, she and her boyfriend broke up.  How can I forget that late night phone call as he drove her home from a function they had attended, her telling me that the relationship was over?  How many times was my heart going to break for her?  How was I going to help her pick up the pieces again and go on?  How little did I know that was nothing compared to the complete and utter heartbreak that was to come.

A few days after the breakup, Tiffany entered treatment.  That part of the story has been told.  Then sometime in November of 2010, Tiffany reached out to her former boyfriend in an effort to reconnect as friends.  Tiffany needed a strong support system; by this point, she was completely alone in Stamford but she refused to even consider coming back home.  He did everything he could to keep her going, to keep her motivated, her emotions in check and her thinking rational.  He was her confidant and therapist, all at the same time, which was difficult because he was now several hours away -- no longer in Stamford.

But it wasn't only a one-way street.  Tiffany being the person she was, helped him, too.  She did what she did best.  She planned and researched.  She found a school that didn't require GREs or GMATs for a master's program in the field he wanted to study and the school happened to be his alma mater.  She encouraged him to apply.  He did, was accepted and completed the program even when she was no longer there to cheer him on.  They remained dear friends right up to the end.

Ryan's eulogy to Tiffany:

Tiffany told me that some of her most favorite times with me were when we would be driving around somewhere and I would be singing. She would always joke by saying I should be on the TV Show “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” because I knew all of the words to so many songs. Believe me when I tell you, it had nothing to do with my voice, as she never suggested that I should try to go on “American Idol” or “America’s got Talent.”

Even more than my terrible singing, Tiffany would tell me that she liked when I would tell her stories about my past and growing up. Stories about my hockey years, silly things I did growing up, crazy things that happened to me in a given day…. anything really. It got to the point where she couldn’t wait for them to come naturally and on many occasions she would turn, look at me with those eyes, and say, “Tell me a story”.

She had a certain face that went along with that request that you could not say no to.  Fortunately for me, all of my stories seemed to entertain her. So, today for Tiffany, I will tell some more stories.

I met Tiffany in a weird twist of fate when we both started working for PwC, Tiffany in Stamford, and I in Manhattan. I say weird because I was supposed to be in the Manhattan training group, but due to a mistake I was placed in the “Visitors to Manhattan” group.

Thanks to this mistake I was afforded the opportunity to meet people from other offices. Upon entering the room I was instantly attracted to the cute, short, quiet, blonde girl, sitting at the Stamford table, who, much like me, did not speak much in a crowd. However, unlike me, she seemed to have all the right answers. To be honest, I might have peeked at her paper just a few times during this training.

Over time, I learned that she wasn’t always quiet and had the potential to be like a firecracker; small, quiet, and reserved, until you got to know her, or rather “lit her fuse.”

Talking about this reminds me of our last family vacation where we brought Tiffany along to Orlando, Florida. Tiffany was happy to be getting away from the cold North East, excited about getting away from the office, and ohh... absolutely ECSTATIC about going to Universal’s Harry Potter Land!

Tiffany was a HUGE Harry Potter fan! I will never forget how excited she was when she could see “Hogwarts” inside of Universal Studios, and when we entered “Hogsmead” (the recreated Harry Potter Village for you non Harry Potter fanatics), forget it... The saying “Kid in a Candy Store” doesn’t quite do it justice.  We saw everything in that Village… Tiff made sure of it.

Lucky for us, it was an “off-week”, and we did not have to wait too long in lines to see everything, but she would have easily waited in line all day for the Harry Potter Castle ride. It should also be noted that it would not matter the time in line, how much it cost, or that it didn’t actually do real magic, she was getting a replica Harry Potter Wand*!

Only after Tiffany made a few modest purchases; ya know something to show people you had gone there; so 8 or 9 items later… we could finally leave Harry Potter Land and continue with the rest of the Park.

Another great moment came from the same Florida trip when she completely shocked me for the first time. Tiff, loved that I could read her mind in many situations, and finish her sentences. I don’t know how I did it, but I always seemed to know what she was thinking, and when she was hiding something from me… which she wasn’t always happy about.

However, I would have bet my paycheck against her wanting to go reverse bungee jumping, but as soon as she saw it, she began shaking my arm saying, “We are SO doing that!!” I tried stalling but it was no use, she was determined to do this, slingshot looking contraption that would fling us into the sky at amazing speed.

We got strapped in to the double seat and surprisingly, she was still very excited to be hurled over a hundred feet into the sky. I know this because I repeatedly asked her “are you sure about this?” Hoping of course, that she might change her mind… also, wasn’t going to happen.

 They gave us a count down and VOOSSHH, we were off, hurling into the Orlando Night sky. My stomach instantly dropped into my lap and I said “ HOOO-LLLY…” and for the first time, Tiffany finished one of my sentences…

When you are finished they offer to show you the video replay of your trip into the sky. At the moment of lift off, you could see in her face that she then realized she may have bit off more then she could chew but we both had a lot of fun and it is a moment that I will remember forever.

On a more serious note, Tiffany was very driven; she completed her bachelors and masters, both with high honors and ahead of schedule. She got hired by one of the best accounting firms in the world, and passed her CPA exam to become a Licensed Certified Public Accountant. She accomplished so much in such a short period of time.

Tiffany was also a great friend who would do just about anything for you. She was my personal accountant; she did all my taxes for me, and even did a return for my brother. She also took care of me when I got sick due to food poisoning. I remember, I spent the night on my bathroom floor and had to call into work sick as it looked like I was not going anywhere soon. I told her to go into work and that I would be ok.

At that moment she smiled, grabbed her phone, and called into work as well only leaving me for about 20 minutes to run to the store and pick up Ginger ale and Saltines. This was the type of person she was.

As any great Friend would, Tiffany inspired me to pursue what I am passionate about; from making time in my schedule to coach hockey, to going back to school to get a masters in Psychology. When faced with obstacles, she pushed when she knew it was something I was passionate about and wanted to do; helping me achieve my goal. Even though I have told you this before, Tiffany, thank you for staying by my side and for pushing me, Sweetie.

Now for the really hard part. It's going to be so hard not expecting a text message around 4:00pm that reads "I'm bored". Or months from now when the final chapter to the Harry Potter and Transformers saga is released and we won’t be going to watch it together. Or even years from now when I’m trying to tell stories that you will be the subject of or a part of, because we had such great times together and you meant so much to me.

For whatever reason that mistake occurred that placed me in your training, I am so happy it happened and allowed us the chance to meet and become great friends.

Today, I feel so empty saying goodbye to my best friend.  You are going to be missed by so many. You will forever live in my heart, I love you, Tiffany, and I can't wait to see you again. I will never forget you.

Goodbye, Sweetie.

Tiffany was a complicated person with simple interests.  There was nothing she loved more than sitting around, watching her favorite TV shows and movies with friends and family, cooking dinner and baking cookies, late night talks with friends, lounging in her sweats...she could be a bit of homebody.  And she loved more than anything to tell someone, in her voice that always sounded so young, how they got to do something with her or for her or because of her.  It almost became her trademark and you just had to laugh when she said it.

She also had her dreams.  If you knew her well, you knew that she had a thing for Tiffany jewelry.  She was determined that if she ever got married, her engagement ring would be from Tiffany & Co.  She even had the Tiffany Ring finder on her iPhone.  And her hope was that she would get that ring on the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Center in New York City when that proposal finally came.  If only her wishes could have come true...

Rockefeller Center February 2012

As I close, I want to mention that although I haven't heard Ryan's eulogy in three years, I am struck by the similarities between his and Amanda's.  Yet Ryan and Amanda never met.  And amazingly, when I wrote this, I didn't have what Ryan wrote in front of me (it was the final entry into this post) and yet his words echo mine so eerily.  Because this was who Tiffany was.

* Note: the Harry Potter's Wand that Tiffany purchased in Orlando with Ryan and his family was buried with her on July 1, 2011.

The Path I Trod

Grief ebbs and flows...it has its peaks and valleys, highs and lows, and comes and goes in intensity.

In one of the many hard moments, a moment of profound intensity, that comes in this arduous journey of grief, I wrote a letter to Tiffany in which I poured out my darkest fears in the constant battle to get through daily life.  These times were particularly difficult after the holidays and seemed to occur in the month of January...

The path I trod is dark...oh so dark, surrounded by the valley of the shadow of death. You haunt my deepest dreams and torture my every waking moment. I struggle each day to find meaning in this life, to enjoy the little things, to seek happiness in what I have left, to be grateful for the gifts I have been granted, to believe that I will see you again in another life. None of it seems possible and I am sad beyond belief, crushed by despair. But somehow, I soldier on even when the pain of your loss and everyday life is sometimes more than I can mentally bear. I see the future looming before me and I can hardly comprehend that you will not be part of that future. If only I had the wisdom and courage to understand why things are the way they are and why you had to leave us. What lesson is to be learned from this suffering, I wonder?

I am still searching for the answers to many questions a year and a half after this letter was written.  But of course, many of the answers will be beyond my ability to find.  I know I will never stop...

So as I continue on this road, on my journey, I am privileged to have family and friends joining me in this brief moment in time to walk alongside me and support me to honor the memory of Tiffany.  I am overwhelmed by the response and surely Tiffany's light shines upon us.

Out of the Darkness SUNY Sch'dy Campus Walk for Team Tiffany

I hope that Tiffany's welcoming spirit guides me and gives me the strength to walk those 3.1 miles...

Psalms 23: 1-6

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not  want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. 
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. 
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil, for You are with me; 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

Amen.

Who Tiffany Was: Part 1 - Friends

Someone Tiffany knew and worked with in her teens wrote to me just recently about the kind of person Tiffany was.  She said to me, "She was by far...one of the kindest, sweetest people I have ever worked with. A heart of gold and so beautiful." This was just who Tiffany was.

And that was how I saw Tiffany...down to her core. I know it wasn't just a mother's view with blinders on, seeing her child as she wanted or hoped or wished. This was truly the essence of Tiffany. At the same time, I know that she had her flaws. She could be stubborn to a fault, she was definitely spoiled and often wanted things her way. Yet she really cared deeply about people and wanted to help them when sometimes she, that sensitive, tortured soul, was the one who could have used the help.

As I look back on her life, I see that she had many friends in her early life and, yes, throughout her life. Some of these people were very close to her and remained close to her even as they moved away or we moved away from them. Others she met in grade school, middle school, high school, college and work. I like to think that she touched each and every one of these people's lives in some way and left it for the better.

I know later in life it was difficult for her to retain friends, as well as to make them. Or maybe it seemed that way to her. I think it was more in her mind than a reality and a function of her "illness". I believe that she often imagined that people were critical of her because she was so critical of herself. She did this from a young age. I can remember her coming home from a friend's house crying because of something that happened or because of some slight that she perceived happened against her. I wish I understood why she was so insecure even then because she was so loved by her family, so lovely a child with so much she could need or want, so gifted and special and bright.

This is not to say that everyone liked her, of course. I've told the story of the roommate in Stamford who talked about her constantly behind her back. There was also a college roommate who was terribly cruel to her and she certainly didn't deserve it. This was after her very good friend, Amanda, who was going to be her freshman college roommate, decided to live home. Tiffany was left without a roommate and I think someone in her suite asked to move in with her. I don't remember the circumstances anymore but Tiffany, being the generous person she was and figuring someone she knew was better than someone she didn't, said yes. Anyway, it didn't work out very well at all and later in the school year, while Tiffany was sitting in an office somewhere, this girl, who was also there, started telling the whole room that Tiffany was this crazy person and had an eating disorder...going on and on. Tiffany was devastated, mortified, embarrassed, hurt...there are no adjectives adequate enough to describe how she felt. I can't tell you what I wanted to say to that girl but as always, Tiffany begged me not to do anything. Now I'm so very, very sorry that I didn't. So for those who hurt Tiffany, "if karma doesn't catch up, God will surely pick up the slack" (Anthony Liccione).

But when I look back, those incidents were actually few and far between. Yet, those few incidents shaped who she was and who she would become. But, by far, there were so many people who loved Tiffany, who thought she was great and someone special and took the time to tell her so, both before and after.

So before I share Amanda L's eulogy that was read at Tiffany's funeral, I want to take a moment to recognize all the friends that passed through Tiffany's life because, honestly, there were so, so many. If I miss anyone, it's not for any reason other than my memory is not the best after so long and I'm not good at names or simply because I didn't know who you were. Many of you were good friends and some just touched her life briefly but I would be remiss if I didn't mention those that I knew, that friended her on Facebook or that have written on her wall/timeline. That's the best I can do (and hope I have you in the right place)...

From Glenwood Blvd - Eric, Loren, Rachael, Gail, Cassie and Nick...

 From school days, in no particular order - Amelia, Dain, Mallory, Johnny, Aly, Sara H, Carolyn K, Donna, Albert Sr, Jessica, Albert, Sabrina L, Patrick, Trevor, Penny, Cheryl, Theresa H, Stephanie (with you in Heaven), Sarah B, Laura, Brittany Se, Brittany Si, Alix, CJ, Amanda L, Britani, MaryAnn, Aneya, Caley, Nicole B, Terri, Sunny, Jennie, Mike F, Lynn, Jennifer, Ali T, Sarah M, Lisa M, Allison L, Ashleigh, Olivia, Jess, Shelly, Tiffany, Annabel, Emily K, Kelly, Lisa A, Carolyn F, Allison T, James, Kayla, Jesse, Alexandra, Anthony, Amie, Jenn, Shelley, Jennifer G, Matt, Donnie, Jake, Stefan, Greg, Daniel, Jackie, Nor, Mark, Sabrina K, Katie S, Stephen, Melissa, Ray, Brendan, Dan, Ryan, Jena, Christopher C, Mariam, Nicole F, David, Kate P, Luke, Emily S, Caitlin, Molly, Cait, Noah, Jennifer W, Jennifer L, Danny, Joseph, Chris A, Christopher L, Brittney, Chelly, Kate L, Kristen...

From her college years - Dustin E, Patricia, Peter, Elyse W, Lala, Samantha A, Larissa, Jessica, Natalie, Jen, Amy, Krystle, Emrys, Joe, Mike R, Mallory J, Kristin, Brian J, Veronica, Kim S, Danny, Nick, Lauren, Catherine, Kimberly, Fanny, Katie F, Chris, Doug, Destiny, Audrey, Jaclyn, Steve, Samantha Na, Michael, Kyle, Andy, Sabrina M, Ashley, Barth, James, KellyAnn, Amanda D, Nichole, Pepe, Vincent, Dustin G, Rebecca, Sarah K, Phil, David C, Marcie, Lori W, Samantha M, Jennifer P, Jordan...

 And from Stamford - Ryan, Elyse G, Sarah H, Maureen, Ahimsa, Geoff, Jim, Annette, Kyle, Olly, Kim J, Sandy, Colleen, Siobhan, Anthony, Nick, Greg, Casey, Jonathan Ca, Jonathan Cu, Guilie, Emily, Katia, Kari, Krystina, Tanya, Naki, Michael M, Denis, Samantha Ni, Alicia, Brian F, Stephanie M, Rami, Valerie, Alicia, Heather, Chris F, Jennifer H, Emmanuel, Frank, Amanda E, Molly, Erin, Dave, Jana, Sherry, Kerri, Kristina, Shirley, Caleb, Carlington, Stephen, Asya, Maddee, Sophie N...

To Tiffany, from Amanda,

"Tiffany and I danced ballet together for many years. She was one of the best dancers I've ever seen. She held nearly all of our leading roles and she had the grace and form to pull off every role she was assigned. Although we went to different high schools, we took our SATs together and went to college together. I'm so thankful I had a friend there to show me the way. We went to school for the same major and took every class we could together. She graduated with top honors and helped me in more ways than I can count. We continued our graduate degrees, again together. I wanted to be done with school but she encouraged me to take advantage of a scholarship that I had planned to give up. Her theory was, "what is one more year, plus you get to go with me!". I was accepted into the program four days before the semester started. Luckily, Tiff had already researched everything about our program and she pointed me in the right directions, explaining what classes I needed to take and going to the bookstore with me to get everything squared away. We took classes together, studied together, spent hours upon hours in the library and had full weekend marathon study sessions at my house. She was driven. After 12 hours of working on a tax law memo, I was ready to do something, anything but schoolwork, but Tiffany, she was still devoted to working on that memo until it was absolutely perfect. Graduate school ended and again, she went on to get an amazing position at one of the most prestigious accounting firms in the world.

Tiffany was my complete opposite but still an amazing friend. She was a city girl with big dreams of a power position and a career that would move her to the top. She was always well-dressed and put-together and just a beautiful girl all around. She loved shopping and Tiffany's jewelry always made her excited. She had the world at her fingertips and knew just what she needed to do to get it all. We'd laugh at each other, with her dreams to work in a big city and mine to live on a farm. We had the same degree but very different ambitions and I think that's what we loved most about each other; we could look at the world through a different set of eyes in every conversation.

In Tiffany's high school senior yearbook, she included a quote from Now and Then which said, "Things happen in life that you can't stop, but that is no reason to shut out the rest of the world." So everyone whose life Tiffany has touched, live each day to its fullest and know she'll have everything planned out, set up and ready for us when we see her again."

To Amanda and every one of Tiffany's friends, I thank you.

The Bamboo Plant

The last of Tiffany's bamboo plant died the other day.  I tried so hard to save it after the other two stalks died last year but I think they got diseased somehow.  This was the stalk that wrapped itself around the other two like a hug so when the other two stalks died, I bought two more for this one to protect.  The plant had been doing so well for the last year when all of a sudden, it turned yellow and dried up.  Such a little thing...yet it hit me hard.

Tiffany used to joke about how she couldn't grow anything.  I remember when she first moved into her apartment she would buy a flowering plant or two but they would always die on her.  Then one day, I saw that she had a sweet little bamboo plant in an adorable elephant container.  It didn't require a lot of maintenance; all you had to do was keep water in the container.  Not too hard for Tiffany to maintain and it looked so cute sitting on the shelf of her lamp stand.

Elephant Container

I'm not the greatest gardener either, but I definitely had better luck than Tiffany.  Some plants I can keep very well and others I can't grow to save my life (of course, if the cats would leave some of them alone and not chew on them, they might do better).  In fact, Tiffany gave me a tiny little plant for Mother's Day when she was in 2nd grade which I still have to this very day...beautiful, healthy and still growing.  So I brought Tiffany's little bamboo plant home after she passed away, not only because it was hers and meant something very special, but also because I figured I couldn't possibly do much harm.  I can be a half-way decent gardener.  I have her wonderful Serenity Garden, memory plants, and all the new plants in front of the house, after all.  I should have been able to take care of one small plant.

2nd Grade Mother's Day Gift

Memorial Plant next to Tiffany's lamp stand

But now another possession of Tiffany's is gone, broken or died...

Many people would say that I am being silly.  That this plant, like her wine glasses or some other item of hers that I've broken or inadvertently ruined over the last 3 years, is just a thing.  And they are just material things.  Yet at the same time, to me, they represent a part of Tiffany, of her life, of the things she did, the things she loved.  So when something happens to them, it's like another part of who Tiffany was disappears.  I guess that's what people who grieve do...they try to hold on so tightly to whatever small piece of their loved one they had.  For me, it's just one more "thing" I couldn't save.  One more piece of my heart that breaks away at yet another tiny, seemingly meaningless loss...bittersweet memories one tries so very hard to keep close to the heart.

The Road Once Traveled...

Grief is a road that once traveled on one never has the option to get off.  It is actually a life-long journey that is never-ending...a journey that will last the rest of your whole life.  And it’s not a straight-forward path but one with twist and turns, forks and switch-backs, not to mention many obstacles.  No one can travel it for you; some may travel it with you -- those who have lost loved ones -- but, of course, not in the same way.  In the beginning of this sad and lonely journey, the road is bumpy and treacherous, dangerous and hard to maneuver but after some time -- how long, no one knows -- there are periods of somewhat smooth sailing until something out of the clear blue comes out and smacks you dead in the face and then you realize that the calm, smooth road was just a hopeful illusion.  You find yourself thrown back to that place where you started your journey of anguish and suffering and you understand, to your utter dismay, that the path is really that bumpy road with the agony, disbelief and pain brought back all over again.

Because just when you think you have dealt with all the things that could possibly come up after your loved one has been gone for some time, whether weeks or months or years, something utterly mundane and ordinary will happen and you can have a complete meltdown, sobbing and crying as if they had died all over again.

"What is of greatest importance in a person’s life is not just the nature and extent of his or her experiences but what has been learned from them."
~ Norman Cousins

This happened in December when I finally decided to check Tiffany’s Starbucks Onward cards that I had been carrying in my wallet for the past 2 years.  Maybe it was finding out that one of the cards still had a balance that brought so many memories flooding back as well as that pain and ache in my heart.  I remember how we would always stop at Starbucks on those many trips back to Marist her first year of college.  The many early mornings we would go to Stuyvesant Plaza to get a drink before going to the gym while she was going to SUNY Albany.  How her favorite drink was a Vente Caramel Macchiato Light or an Iced Tea Lemonade in summer and how convenient that there was one right around the corner from the house.  I remember how no shopping trip was ever complete without a stop at Starbucks and how when we traveled to Charlotte to see Troy and Kelly (Hunter wasn't born yet), we would try to locate a Starbucks over any other coffee place.  I know that she went to Starbucks every day before work (hence the Starbucks Onwards card) even though I wasn't there.  How do I know this?  Because on my last trip to Stamford when I stayed with her in early June 2011, I went to Barnes & Noble one morning to work in the cafe.  When I went to the counter to order a hot chocolate, the girl waiting on me recognized my last name from my member card and mentioned Tiffany as a frequent customer.  To this day, I wonder if that girl ever knew what happened to Tiffany or wondered why she disappeared so suddenly.

So many of us have had grief in our lives and some more so than others.  Those of us who have experienced loss have been on that journey of grief to some degree or other.  For me, however, the journey has become harder and harder until today, it almost defines me.  Although, if I am completely honest, that definition of who I am today is because of losing Tiffany.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 17 and it was hard but we knew more or less for 5 years that it was a possibility.  But in those days you went on, no matter how difficult it was.  I lost a child at birth when I was 20 weeks pregnant.  That was brutal and heartbreaking…the loss of all future dreams for Jordan Alexander and for what could have been.  But life didn't stop, couldn't stop, because soon there was another child on the way, what today they call a Rainbow Child…Tiffany Marie.  And then...the unfathomable and unimaginable happened.  I lost my beautiful daughter most tragically and unexpectedly.  I've tried my best to go on because I know Tiffany wouldn't want me to grieve so deeply but it is the most difficult, terrifying thing I've ever had to do.  The loss all of those future hopes and dreams is even more agonizing because they were right there in front of her, right over the horizon.

Tiffany and her grandfather, Corky (Junior Prom - sophomore year)

Tiffany and her grandfather (High School Graduation)

Have I been successful?  That is up for debate.  Most recently, I lost my father to an 11-year battle with cancer and again I have had to move on.  But the loss that overshadows them all, that I still struggle with day after day to make sense of, is Tiffany’s death.  I often wonder why that is so.  I guess it’s because of the sheer unexpectedness and senselessness of her death, as well as the fact that she is my child who lived for 24 years.  Although Jordan is my child, too, he only lived for 20 minutes.  Both are my children, both deaths represent the loss of what the future could bring but the only difference is the length of time I knew each of them.  So maybe someday, years from now, I will be further along on my journey of grief where the road is much smoother than it is today.  I can only hope and pray it is so.  In the meantime, I pray every night for Tiffany to come to me in my dreams so that I might hear her voice, smell her scent, see her face, feel her arms around me but so far, I am still waiting for that miracle.

As I Wake

Every morning, for the last 3 years, since the day she died, as I wake, my first thoughts are of my daughter, Tiffany.  In the first days, weeks and months after losing her, when I opened my eyes, I would lay there in my bed, reorienting myself to the world, adjusting to the new "normal", as it were.  I would have to reacquaint my mind to the fact that my daughter was dead; it was a living nightmare from which I prayed I would wake...only I was already awake.  I couldn't imagine how any of this could possibly be true; how it could be that Tiffany would never call me from her cell phone, never speak my name, never touch or hug her loved ones ever again.  I wanted to turn back the clock and re-live those crucial moments and somehow, somehow, by doing so, by doing something different, have a different outcome, a happy ending.  An ending where Tiffany lives, not dies.

As I wake to a new day, I wish that each day before had been a dream.  Back in the early days of my loss, I didn't know how I was going to get through the interminable hours until I could sleep again.  I wished I could go to sleep and never wake up yet a new day always dawned.  During those first days, weeks and months, I lived in a blur, a surreal world, cocooned in disbelief, numb with anguish, cries and screams of the deepest sorrow escaping from me until it seemed as if I had filled an entire ocean with tears but there was no respite in sight.  I couldn't fathom what had happened to this lovely human being who was my youngest child that would make her want to take her life.  She gave no warning, left no note, no explanation for what she did.  We who are left behind struggle to make sense, to understand what kind of pain and suffering drove her to this.  But we have no answers, only questions.

With every inevitable morning that arises, as I wake, I try to make peace with the fact that Tiffany is truly not of this world any longer.  While I waited for the autopsy and toxicology results, I prayed, prayed harder than I ever had, that what had happened was just a terrible accident.  So many people were certain that it was just an error in judgement - a tragic  mistake.  Until the day the medical examiner's office told me it was a venlafaxine overdose. Shaking, I asked to speak to the medical examiner and I practically begged him to tell me it was an accident.  Like I begged the EMTs to tell me Tiffany was alive; that she wasn't dead.  But he told me that, based on the amount of the drug found in her, it was not possible that it was an accident.  Utterly devastated, I hung up the phone and screamed from the highest heavens to the very depths of my ravaged mother's soul.  How, I thought, could she have done this to herself?

Today, with each dawn of the day, as I wake, the truth sets in a little deeper - the truth that life will never be the same as it was when Tiffany was on this earth.  Oh my god, what love I have for her.  Like the love I have for Troy, my oldest, my son.  That indescribable, overwhelming, soul-filling love that just takes over your heart when you have children.  And yet this child of mine who fought so hard to come into this world, fought so hard to leave it.

With each sunset, as the day winds down, I cry for this child of mine who had such a good heart yet such a fragile soul.  A fragile soul who could not stay long in this world...

Your Smile...Your Amazing Smile

I have so many posts started, so many in my head that I don't know where to start.  A wealth of them I have written on your Facebook page, while so many others are in my heart still waiting to be crafted and brought to the light of day.

I can't even begin to count the things that I miss about you, my so brilliantly gifted, incredibly beautiful, broken-hearted daughter, and I couldn't possibly document them all in one sitting.  But I know the one thing that I cannot ever forget about you, other than the sheer essence of you - whether it was pure and genuine, filled with mischief, forced with clenched teeth, silly or simply mysterious - is that spectacular smile of yours.

You had the most amazing smile.  It was like a light shining from inside of you, drawing people to you like moths to a flame.  Sparkling in your eyes, pure joy to see.  Oh, if I could make a wish, it would be to just catch one more glimpse of your smile and make it last for a lifetime...

"That big, bright smile"

Now every time I look at a picture of you, I stare into your beautiful eyes and wish for what was.  Every time I see your gorgeous smile that lit up your whole face, I wish for what could have been.  And then I realize that I'll never see you again in this lifetime so I cry for what is now.

When your brother, Jordan Alexander, died, someone gave me a plate with Footprints in the Sand written on it and I cherish it along with your cross.  So I dedicate this song by Leona Lewis to you and Jordan.