Fallout

For so long I felt that because my daughter did not overtly exhibit the extremes of this illness, that maybe it wasn't so bad.  But then I realized that I had no absolutely no idea what she was going through or even who she really was but I could see how much she had changed since moving away (and even more so after May 2010) and I mourned for the person who left in Oct 2009.  She seemed so strong and on the road to recovery but perhaps that was just a facade.

I knew I couldn't make her better - that she had to do on her own.  But suddenly, I felt like I couldn't even communicate with her on any level but a surface level and it was beginning to affect me to the point where I needed to search for some answers, or at least understanding.  So I reached out to NEDA again...

"I'm sorry to write again so soon but my son and daughter-in-law called and spoke with me last evening.  They are my only vehicle to learning what is really going on with my daughter, Tiffany, since she only tells me half-truths or lies.  And now I've learned that part of the Day Treatment program included family therapy yet I was never contacted.  How can I possibly provide meaningful support and understanding if I'm not included?

What I've since discovered is that while she did end the program, it may not have been successful (although it was 6 weeks).  From what I understand, it was possibly determined that she was not making the expected progress in the day program and her insurance did not want to pay for something that was not working.  Apparently it was suggested that she move into the residential program (which her insurance may have been willing to pay) but her fear of losing her job was too great so she returned to work yesterday.  This was a bit upsetting because it is unlikely that she would lose her job while out on disability although I have no idea how long the residential program would be.  It is also possible that she was reluctant to enter the residential program because it was only offered in Philadelphia and Florida.

Her job is all she has right now...literally.  She has no family living nearby - I am almost 3 hours away and her brother lives in Charlotte, NC which is 12 hrs away.  She lives with another girl she met through job interviews and who was with her in college at the same time.  However, the relationship has not proven to be successful as her roommate is not willing to be a friend to Tiffany.  I believe that Tiffany may have made one friend at work whom she spends some time with but she has a history of driving friends away or losing them for some reason.  However, my daughter-in-law did mention that she may have connected with some people at the center but that they lived a distance away.  Also, shortly before her move to CT, Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend of nearly 4 years even though it seemed to be a good strong relationship but I guess only Tiffany knows what is right for herself.

After her move to CT, I encouraged her to try become independent, live on her own completely for a while and refrain from getting into another romantic relationship.  However, that was not the case.  In January, she began dating someone new and she seemed to be quickly involved emotionally.  Unfortunately, that relationship ended just days before she started the day program.  In addition to that, she was considering moving to NC to be close to her brother but he told her they did not think that was a good idea.  I think that was a bit of a blow to her and I was upset with my son for not being more supportive of his sister.  I don't know if he's right or not but at that exact time, he was dealing with a new baby.

It seems pretty obvious that Tiffany is in a fragile emotional state.  She is clearly depressed and my fear is that she may be drifting towards anorexia (but I may be unduly worried).  She told my son that while she ate the meals at the center, when she got back to her apartment, she didn't feel like eating.  She said it wasn't due to the illness (supposedly she has the bulimia under control) but that she was simply too depressed to eat.  She has also said that she doesn't want to do anything other than stay in her room and read.

A lot of the other things that Kelly told me seem to follow the typical thought processes of an eating-disordered person.  The feelings of unworthiness, of being a failure and undeserving, always screwing things up, etc.  This is so sad to hear coming from a woman who is sweet, beautiful, smart and talented.  What was most interesting, to me at least, is that it seems Tiffany may be searching for someone who accepts and loves her for who she is with all her faults and weaknesses and will not abandon her when things don't go quite perfectly.  Someone other than her family, who, in her eyes, will always love her no matter what..."

It was shortly after writing this letter that Tiffany started lashing out at her brother and sister-in-law because they didn't support her moving to NC.  She told them she hated them even though she asked for the truth.  This was very upsetting but there was nothing I could do.  At this point, she began calling me about what she should do about a roommate after her lease was up and texting me that she no longer liked her job.  At this point, I could only listen and offer suggestions as best I could.  Her thinking started to become black and white while her binge drinking and impulsive behavior such as spending and shopping escalated.

As I review what I knew back in August of 2010, compare it to what the DSM-IV-TR details as the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and think about it in terms of Tiffany's behavior, it seems abundantly clear to me that this is what she could possibly have had.  If I, a lay person, can see this, how could the mental health professionals treating her have so completely missed it??  How could she not have been treated for this disorder is all I can wonder in disbelief.  My heart is broken all over again at the senselessness of her death.