First Warning

I had many moments of deep guilt and despair after learning that Tiffany suffered from an eating disorder.  Of course, none were as horrible as what was to come but in August of 2010, I was beginning to get a glimpse of just how much this disease had taken hold of Tiffany and her life and I truly began to fear for her.

This was written to someone at the National Eating Disorder Association in the hopes of finding a person I could talk to, someone who could give me advice on how to deal with this monster who had come into my family and changed my daughter so drastically.  Here is what I wrote...

I'm not sure where to start but I have a daughter who has been suffering from bulimia since she was 12 years old.  She is now 23 and has just finished an intensive outpatient day program at a center in Connecticut, taking a medical leave of absence from her job as a tax accountant.  This is the first time she has entered a formal program but has sought various types of assistance, counseling and medical/nutritional help over the past 8 years or so.

The reason I am writing is because she was able to keep her disorder secret and hidden until she was 18.  By this time, she was an adult and she was completely unwilling to discuss any aspect of her disease.  During the time while she was a minor and sought help, while I knew that she had emotional problems, suffered from depression and mood swings, and suspected that food was a preoccupation, I only thought that she was possibly at risk for an eating disorder.  And none of her counselors (if they actually knew) ever informed me.  I found out about the bulimia in 2005 (when she was a college freshman) because her older brother, whom she had confided in for a year, could no longer keep it secret or provide support.  The fallout was brutal, resulting in her not speaking to her brother (for telling me) and her refusing to have anything to do with me because she had never wanted me to know (something I have never understood).  I also suspect that one of the reasons she was able to keep it secret was because she had always had a job, even several at one time, from a young age, earning her own money.  At one time she had $12,000 saved but by the time she entered college, all but about $2,000 was left and I could never understand where all the money went.  I am making an assumption here because while food frequently disappeared in the household, it was never excessive to the degree that I have since read some bulimics go to.  Also, I never found laxatives or any other drugs that bulimics use, the bathroom was never a mess (despite her describing purging up to 7 times per day) and she displayed no observable side-effects other than weight loss.

Eventually, she began speaking to me again and one day agreed to discuss her problem, allowing me to ask questions.  After that, we were never to talk about it again nor was I ever to bring it up.  Not knowing much about the disorder, I probably didn't ask any of the right questions so have never really been able to understand the underlying problem driving her.  Of course, the guilt I have suffered from not only not seeing that there was a problem, but thinking that I contributed to it in some way has been overwhelming at times and has necessitated getting counseling myself.

Since 2005, I have tried to be supportive in every way while keeping my own counsel and ensuring her that I loved her no matter what.  In 2008, she moved back home for her graduate year of college.  During this time she did seek some medical attention from center for Eating Disorders here locally but assured me that she was no longer binging and purging.  In Oct of 2009, she moved to Stamford, CT, to start her career with a top accounting firm.  After 6 months, she told me that she had started back up with the binge/purge cycle and ask me to help her find a physician in CT in whom she was going to confide completely.  This physician referred her to a center and the center recommended their day program.  At the time, with her job, that was not an option so it was suggested that she attend the evening program.  Due to a rotation in NYC, she put this off until finally, in May, when her problem had escalated to such a degree, she approached her HR department about taking a medical leave of absence so that she could attend the day program which she was approved for in June.

The start of the program was fraught with much emotional turmoil and personal trauma but she finished the program on Friday, July 30.  During this time, I rarely spoke with her and what few conversations (most of our communication was via text messages) we did have were very superficial.  She came home this past Friday and we had plans to do things and spend some time together.  She had told me that the program had helped with her eating disorder but that she was an "emotional wreck".  While she was home, I tried to get some information but as always, she was unwilling to discuss anything with me, using her favorite response of "I don't want to talk about it".  By Saturday morning, she told me she needed to leave, that she couldn't be there.  Needless to say I was distraught and upset but told her if that was what she needed to do, then she should do it.

I felt so lost and helpless after she left that day and I sometimes wonder if it was the first warning sign...