The Road Once Traveled...

Grief is a road that once traveled on one never has the option to get off.  It is actually a life-long journey that is never-ending...a journey that will last the rest of your whole life.  And it’s not a straight-forward path but one with twist and turns, forks and switch-backs, not to mention many obstacles.  No one can travel it for you; some may travel it with you -- those who have lost loved ones -- but, of course, not in the same way.  In the beginning of this sad and lonely journey, the road is bumpy and treacherous, dangerous and hard to maneuver but after some time -- how long, no one knows -- there are periods of somewhat smooth sailing until something out of the clear blue comes out and smacks you dead in the face and then you realize that the calm, smooth road was just a hopeful illusion.  You find yourself thrown back to that place where you started your journey of anguish and suffering and you understand, to your utter dismay, that the path is really that bumpy road with the agony, disbelief and pain brought back all over again.

Because just when you think you have dealt with all the things that could possibly come up after your loved one has been gone for some time, whether weeks or months or years, something utterly mundane and ordinary will happen and you can have a complete meltdown, sobbing and crying as if they had died all over again.

"What is of greatest importance in a person’s life is not just the nature and extent of his or her experiences but what has been learned from them."
~ Norman Cousins

This happened in December when I finally decided to check Tiffany’s Starbucks Onward cards that I had been carrying in my wallet for the past 2 years.  Maybe it was finding out that one of the cards still had a balance that brought so many memories flooding back as well as that pain and ache in my heart.  I remember how we would always stop at Starbucks on those many trips back to Marist her first year of college.  The many early mornings we would go to Stuyvesant Plaza to get a drink before going to the gym while she was going to SUNY Albany.  How her favorite drink was a Vente Caramel Macchiato Light or an Iced Tea Lemonade in summer and how convenient that there was one right around the corner from the house.  I remember how no shopping trip was ever complete without a stop at Starbucks and how when we traveled to Charlotte to see Troy and Kelly (Hunter wasn't born yet), we would try to locate a Starbucks over any other coffee place.  I know that she went to Starbucks every day before work (hence the Starbucks Onwards card) even though I wasn't there.  How do I know this?  Because on my last trip to Stamford when I stayed with her in early June 2011, I went to Barnes & Noble one morning to work in the cafe.  When I went to the counter to order a hot chocolate, the girl waiting on me recognized my last name from my member card and mentioned Tiffany as a frequent customer.  To this day, I wonder if that girl ever knew what happened to Tiffany or wondered why she disappeared so suddenly.

So many of us have had grief in our lives and some more so than others.  Those of us who have experienced loss have been on that journey of grief to some degree or other.  For me, however, the journey has become harder and harder until today, it almost defines me.  Although, if I am completely honest, that definition of who I am today is because of losing Tiffany.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 17 and it was hard but we knew more or less for 5 years that it was a possibility.  But in those days you went on, no matter how difficult it was.  I lost a child at birth when I was 20 weeks pregnant.  That was brutal and heartbreaking…the loss of all future dreams for Jordan Alexander and for what could have been.  But life didn't stop, couldn't stop, because soon there was another child on the way, what today they call a Rainbow Child…Tiffany Marie.  And then...the unfathomable and unimaginable happened.  I lost my beautiful daughter most tragically and unexpectedly.  I've tried my best to go on because I know Tiffany wouldn't want me to grieve so deeply but it is the most difficult, terrifying thing I've ever had to do.  The loss all of those future hopes and dreams is even more agonizing because they were right there in front of her, right over the horizon.

Tiffany and her grandfather, Corky (Junior Prom - sophomore year)

Tiffany and her grandfather (High School Graduation)

Have I been successful?  That is up for debate.  Most recently, I lost my father to an 11-year battle with cancer and again I have had to move on.  But the loss that overshadows them all, that I still struggle with day after day to make sense of, is Tiffany’s death.  I often wonder why that is so.  I guess it’s because of the sheer unexpectedness and senselessness of her death, as well as the fact that she is my child who lived for 24 years.  Although Jordan is my child, too, he only lived for 20 minutes.  Both are my children, both deaths represent the loss of what the future could bring but the only difference is the length of time I knew each of them.  So maybe someday, years from now, I will be further along on my journey of grief where the road is much smoother than it is today.  I can only hope and pray it is so.  In the meantime, I pray every night for Tiffany to come to me in my dreams so that I might hear her voice, smell her scent, see her face, feel her arms around me but so far, I am still waiting for that miracle.